Monday, August 29, 2016

This pop culture sex! I find it all quite depressing! Early sexualitymeets midlife crisis

The book I'm reading, girl on a train::: it's quite depressing! Interesting yet sad:: alchoholics, love lost, longing. Train rides, alcoholic blackouts, infidelities....So  far I can't stomach it too well; but I read on.

Same goes for the Netflix Stranger Things:::a young boy lost/missing, a girl losing herself to a boy before she's ready. Innocence's all so Generation X! By that I mean misguided and troubled. It's Even set in the 80's. Poltergeist mixed with ET and Lynch's Fire Walk with me. I'm only watching it cause everyone said how great it is. We'll see.

It has, in a way brought me back to my earliest girlhood romantic and sexual experiences; and I only write this that I might not continue to make the same mistakes; though I might.

I have mommy AND daddy issues I laugh to my recovery friends. 

My very first boyfriend, Harper*, in Houston. We had a lovely time of it! I'd ride my bike to his house after school and we'd spend hours smooching. I don't know if I thought about love for 2 seconds; it was not very intimate but it was playful. 

About after two weeks he asked me to the movies; where all of our schoolmates would be. I got a weird vibe. He was ignoring me; I was what? 13? 14? I knew something was up and he soon dumped me for my teammate: a very tall blonde volleyball player. I don't remember what else happened but me and that volleyball player spent the next 6 years together playing on the same team; all the way to Varsity. (Sports kept me out of so much trouble) I don't remember her apologizing but she might have. Im sure it was awful; but I don't recall much emotional pain associated. 

My next experience I remember was falling for a guy named Jason. We're still friends!!!! He had a hurt knee and was in the girls volleyball courts working on physical therapy everyday. He was a Christian. The ball would roll in there every now and again; and we'd have a fun discourse. He was a senior though, and me a freshman. We did this all year, hanging out as friends, writing notes, just being silly. When the end of the year came, he asked my sister to his Senior prom! She was a junior. They barely knew each other. I cried. I remember her saying i had no idea Ally. We never did go for the same guys. 

A year later when he would come home on college break we did end up messing around- in my room! Mom was calling me on the phone (I guess I had my own line) lol put the door open, NOW. 

The next guy, I was maybe a junior? Don was a soul crusher. Older than me by a year He was the only artist I knew. We talked on the phone for weeks, hours at a time. I went on a jog and ended up at his house one day. We fooled around more than I had with anyone. It went pretty far but was quite one sided. (His parents didn't seem to mind the door was closed) I remember I used to pass him everyday between a class, and we would always say hi-- but we would never stop and talk. (Red flag!) Even as our phone conversation grew. The day after the heavy sexual exchange, I was excited to pass him, to see him. He ignored me; played the "I don't see you game" I was crushed. We never spoke again. 

Then there was Clint! He was a character; from the other side of the tracks. He revealed to me he had tried crack. It was startling; and I wasn't impressed. By this time I had done some drug experimentation on my own.

Clint and I Did a lot of phone talking and some house parties. But I grew tired of him i'mnot sure why. I don't remember much behind that. We had one more chat after I moved to Austin.

Ugh! There was Tim. I was impressed cause he was a drug dealer. (Burgeoning Underworld girl) I was exposed to joints, X, that's about it. I was all about him for a hot minute but I dumped him unceremoniously. He was hurt. 

Then the whopper! Eric**. I didn't even date him; but we were friends from art class and he was cute, a surfer. We're still Facebook friends and I guess there's a small chance he could read this. I hope he does, lol. He had a long-term girlfriend. I thought they broke up. My mom left me (I was a senior by then) for a trip to Hawaii. It was during the school year and I made an excuse not to go; I had to apply to college... I should have gone on that trip. 

I painfully lost my virginity to someone I didn't love or even really know too well. It was my choice; and I still regret it. 

All is to say? I'm confused. Still making unhealthy choices around my sexuality. Still learning what my boundaries are. 

I said, today, to my therapist, men are disgusting;  in response to a sexual pass one of my good guy friends made at me the other night; unprovoked. 

She said, well, no, some are. But many have learned that they can push over boundries that women have set for them. 

She said its your job to keep the boundries you have set for yourself. 

I think if I could have more clarity and insight to myself, and around my boundries (never my strong suit) I wouldn't have made or continue to make such crushing romantic mistakes. 

I really do. 

Both Harper and Eric are fat and ugly now; they look like Texas sized frat boys

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