Monday, December 22, 2014

artists and addicts may you rejoice.

Degenerate? Nah. Cliche? Neh.

If you fall into one of my two FAVORITE types of people: Artist or Addict, this post is for you! If you've been struggling with your self-worth, your obsessive thinking, your bad decision-making:: If you've been wondering how you're going to deal with societal pressure; the norm of what is "right and good, what is, in full, NORMAL" to most -- then........... carry on with your struggle.


I only have a few things that I can say to you to make you feel better. And that is, I appreciate you! I don't think you should go get a 9-5 job. Don't do it. Fuck that. I won't do it, why should you? Continue to be hard-headed, strong willed, emotive, vocal, outspoken. Go ahead and make bad decisions until you make some good ones. Live your crazy LIFE! I support that. More importantly, I find it very interesting.

I was thinking on the nightly walk with the dogs in my hood:: My favorite people are artists, musicians, or recovering addicts.

They seem to be the ones that can talk openly, discuss their feelings with truth, know what's inside and reach for it : most importantly: express it with some fluency.

Artists draw from their emotions and feeling to create art: DUH. What do recovering addicts have to offer?

A LOT. They have had to 1. realize that there are heavy emotions there instead of mask them with drugs & alc 2. get to the pit of the craphole and dig it out. 3. Talk to someone about it the malaise and get constant feedback about thoughts and actions.

In essence, if you've recovered from the dis-ease that is alcohol or drug abuse, and you've managed to put some clean time together; to get to know yourself: CONGRATULATIONS! You're not only a better person to humanity you are one of my {favorite 2 types} of people.

You are some of the smartest, most kind, sensitive, loving and most gifted people. Yeah sometimes you spout some program crap instead of talk with your heart. Sometimes you are overly "programmed", yes you have baggage:: but you are wonderful.

Is it SO OBVIOUS that I'm giving myself a pep talk here?

I'm NOT! I'm OK, You - OK.

This love is for you. Yes I am in recovery. I am an artist, so I know what the hell I'm talking about. I LOVE YOUR Pizzazz, your Panache!

And now you know.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Self portrait number 7 of 10 :: and a venture into an artists life

I am in a nice and serene mood! I'm also very tired. I'm noting my progress/state of mind since the last self portrait. 

I am reading a biography on my favorite favorite painter::: Modigliani. I used to be obsessed with Scheile in undergrad, and Van Gogh. With them in mind I had painted with very thick paint and uneven strokes. I painted with some sexuality, and I like that those painters always were expressive. The thick paint was hard for me to control. 

It's strange to me that I adore portrait artists so much. I don't paint portraits well at all, I prefer life drawing.  Portraits are a huge challange. To get the look right, I don't know - there is no way to fake a portrait, to polish a turd. It is truly a challange. I also struggle with shades of grey and lighting.

I'm happy with tonight's self portrait. It was quick, which I love since I'm tired. It also looks like me. 

I'm in the early life of the Modigliani bio. His family was very rich in the mining business, but they lost everything- they had "sold" their daughters in the form of doweries, and when they could not pay up they lost all their possessions and house to their inlaws! 

I didn't know Modigliani was Jewish, and I didn't realize he was Italian, though he spent most his adult life in Paris. He was also an alcoholic with Tuberculosis and died very young at age 35. 

What a huge body of work he left! His pregnant girlfriend committed suicide upon his death, leaving their 2 yr old daughter behind. No one is sure why she felt compelled to do this. He had several illegitimate children as well. 

I am about ready to go back to art school for a masters. I don't know when and where and I don't know how. I'm hoping its in Paris or Italy! But most likely somewhere I can afford. I'm terrified that I will not measure up. I distinctly remember in art school watching amazing painters paint with what seemed like ease - these were my friends! It's not only the painting technique that is essential (I had none) but the subject matter as well. And drive!! And discipline! I had the desire, that's about it. It was not until I discovered Lithography that I felt I could be more abstract and let the chemicals do some of my work for me. The reduction process helped me make interesting editions. I struggled with the chemistry:/( and I never got the plates to do what I wanted.  It was an adventure. I wish I could share some of those lithos here but they are rolled up. My work when I lived in Mexico was some of the best- go figure. I still take Litho classes at ACC on occasion. 

I found a 5' woodcut that I did - I copied a Modigliani painting, carved the wood, and printed it up at University of Texas .

She's pretty cute this is just a close up. She's rolled up in my office. She might make her debut over the couch. With or without a frame! She's about 8 yrs old now...I have about 3 of them. I printed about 8 at the time.

See! The cockamamie eyes! I am not alone. 

Goodbye Year of the Wooden HORSE ++++ F U!

Chinese New Year is on Thursday, February 19, 2015. It marks the start of the Year of the Wood Sheep in the Chinese zodiac.

This year has been moving so fast. In a way I want it to slow down. But, not really, I like moving fast! I just want to feel better about the rapid changes. 

I've made a lOT of changes. I think they are good for me, but it is hard. It has caused me to grow up a bit, seek humility and community, go inward and try and heal old wounds. That sounds kind of generic. But it's not. I do have some old wounds! Duh, we all do. Some of us are worse off than others. I have stopped judging "how good or bad" I had it growing up. It's time to stop allowing my past to infect my future, even the future that I myself created, when I came up with my own ideas about life. Those old ideas don't serve me anymore. I'm doing this purge by writing. 

It's a "principle's inventory". I am writing the old ideas out that don't serve me. I reflect on how it affects me: self esteem? (always) monetary problems, emotions, personal relationships? And then I reflect on my part, or my contribution to the issue. Was I stuck in selfishness? Was I dishonest, self-seeking, blaming, frightened (always). I read it to someone. That person's name is Mark R. 

My acupuncturist Simel Bey 2 years ago said :: Hold on to your hat. It's the year of the Water Horse. Things will move quickly. I had no idea. 

So I was curious about 2015...

I found this site which was extensive, but had a birth calculator to help you with the elements so you can determine this years' outcome:)

That is the calculator, but this is the original site:

Beware: there is a "luck bar" ! LOL True to form, my worse years were 1-20 yrs. old. THOSE YEARS SUCKED! Especially 1-10.

It's all kind of confusing. My head is going to explode.