Monday, August 29, 2016

This pop culture sex! I find it all quite depressing! Early sexualitymeets midlife crisis

The book I'm reading, girl on a train::: it's quite depressing! Interesting yet sad:: alchoholics, love lost, longing. Train rides, alcoholic blackouts, infidelities....So  far I can't stomach it too well; but I read on.

Same goes for the Netflix Stranger Things:::a young boy lost/missing, a girl losing herself to a boy before she's ready. Innocence lost....it's all so Generation X! By that I mean misguided and troubled. It's Even set in the 80's. Poltergeist mixed with ET and Lynch's Fire Walk with me. I'm only watching it cause everyone said how great it is. We'll see.

It has, in a way brought me back to my earliest girlhood romantic and sexual experiences; and I only write this that I might not continue to make the same mistakes; though I might.

I have mommy AND daddy issues I laugh to my recovery friends. 

My very first boyfriend, Harper*, in Houston. We had a lovely time of it! I'd ride my bike to his house after school and we'd spend hours smooching. I don't know if I thought about love for 2 seconds; it was not very intimate but it was playful. 

About after two weeks he asked me to the movies; where all of our schoolmates would be. I got a weird vibe. He was ignoring me; I was what? 13? 14? I knew something was up and he soon dumped me for my teammate: a very tall blonde volleyball player. I don't remember what else happened but me and that volleyball player spent the next 6 years together playing on the same team; all the way to Varsity. (Sports kept me out of so much trouble) I don't remember her apologizing but she might have. Im sure it was awful; but I don't recall much emotional pain associated. 

My next experience I remember was falling for a guy named Jason. We're still friends!!!! He had a hurt knee and was in the girls volleyball courts working on physical therapy everyday. He was a Christian. The ball would roll in there every now and again; and we'd have a fun discourse. He was a senior though, and me a freshman. We did this all year, hanging out as friends, writing notes, just being silly. When the end of the year came, he asked my sister to his Senior prom! She was a junior. They barely knew each other. I cried. I remember her saying i had no idea Ally. We never did go for the same guys. 

A year later when he would come home on college break we did end up messing around- in my room! Mom was calling me on the phone (I guess I had my own line) lol put the door open, NOW. 

The next guy, I was maybe a junior? Don was a soul crusher. Older than me by a year He was the only artist I knew. We talked on the phone for weeks, hours at a time. I went on a jog and ended up at his house one day. We fooled around more than I had with anyone. It went pretty far but was quite one sided. (His parents didn't seem to mind the door was closed) I remember I used to pass him everyday between a class, and we would always say hi-- but we would never stop and talk. (Red flag!) Even as our phone conversation grew. The day after the heavy sexual exchange, I was excited to pass him, to see him. He ignored me; played the "I don't see you game" I was crushed. We never spoke again. 

Then there was Clint! He was a character; from the other side of the tracks. He revealed to me he had tried crack. It was startling; and I wasn't impressed. By this time I had done some drug experimentation on my own.

Clint and I Did a lot of phone talking and some house parties. But I grew tired of him i'mnot sure why. I don't remember much behind that. We had one more chat after I moved to Austin.

Ugh! There was Tim. I was impressed cause he was a drug dealer. (Burgeoning Underworld girl) I was exposed to joints, X, that's about it. I was all about him for a hot minute but I dumped him unceremoniously. He was hurt. 

Then the whopper! Eric**. I didn't even date him; but we were friends from art class and he was cute, a surfer. We're still Facebook friends and I guess there's a small chance he could read this. I hope he does, lol. He had a long-term girlfriend. I thought they broke up. My mom left me (I was a senior by then) for a trip to Hawaii. It was during the school year and I made an excuse not to go; I had to apply to college... I should have gone on that trip. 

I painfully lost my virginity to someone I didn't love or even really know too well. It was my choice; and I still regret it. 

All is to say? I'm confused. Still making unhealthy choices around my sexuality. Still learning what my boundaries are. 

I said, today, to my therapist, men are disgusting;  in response to a sexual pass one of my good guy friends made at me the other night; unprovoked. 

She said, well, no, some are. But many have learned that they can push over boundries that women have set for them. 

She said its your job to keep the boundries you have set for yourself. 

I think if I could have more clarity and insight to myself, and around my boundries (never my strong suit) I wouldn't have made or continue to make such crushing romantic mistakes. 

I really do. 

**footnotes
Both Harper and Eric are fat and ugly now; they look like Texas sized frat boys




Sunday, August 21, 2016

If life is so hard, why do I stay sober?

Yes it is! It's HARD! Not without its joys, but man this year is a bitch. Recently lost 2 best friends::: really three if you count my cheating manboy, I do miss his companionship but.......Imma...

Keep on trucking! One of the girls honesty; good riddance but man what a selfish one! Thanks for all you've taken. 

The other, a simple parting for awhile. Or forever, either is fine. I've made two other new friends, both funny, smart, gorgeous, crazy, loyal AND darling::: sober too- to fill up my dance card again. BONUS: Another One! That makes three - a dike new best friend - I get to see how the other half lives. 

I was reading an amazing article by a newly sober woman and I got to thinking: Why? Why do I stay sober when everybody else is cutting loose and tying one on? Escaping from their day with a margarita? How do I carry on!?'

I rapid fire thought of some reasons why I keep on keeping on; trudging the sober road to happy destiny....vain or otherwise 

-I don't wallow in pain; or drink it down; I process it and TRY and move on. How many regrets and resentments I had when using! How looooooong they stuck around to slowly eat me alive; shit piles up when you check out.
-I can forgive AND say I'm sorry....it was rare for those two things to happen in my previous life
-I have goals and I achieve them; sometimes quickly sometimes slowly...but regardless of those goals I know what joy feels like - and though it is illusive at times, I know it will return.
-my spirit tells me what I like- cause before I wasn't clear so I just quiet down and listen and I call my angels to guide me and on a good day my head doesnt race and it stops forcing its hurt ego on me
-I don't believe in the bible my dear readers, to me the book is just allegorical stories, HIS-stories passed down and Jesus is ok, I like him but he's not going to save anything or come down from the sky. Just listen and get some support.  It could be Jesus or the Buda does it matter? 
-I will never have the right to feel truly that I'm Alone, or lonely, or beyond help because in recovery support; life bearing support is only an honest conversation away. It has saved me so many times.
-I know how to ask for help or more importantly when I need to ask for it
-I realize I LOve Humans! I'm a people person. I rarely want to chit chat for hours in a bar (I didn't even enjoy that when I was drinking) I like to dive into an affirming conversation that leaves me thinking more about less; with people that I have a connection with; and I like to see Facebook and know what you're up to so I can celebrate your achievements or pray for your dog; and listen to you new songs on my own time.  
-I DO things, I don't sit around or do the groupie thing I got too much raw talent for that but I do love a talented troubadour; always have.
-I've got more money. A lot more! I'm doing quite well thanks I'm good. I can take care of myself and for a long time, in sobriety and before, I was crippled with fear about it cause you know, I'm an artist and we don't get paid that good.

Maybe it's the law of attraction! I believe thoughts can help guide you out of a depression or bad state or money problems but I think it's bullshit to say you brought trouble upon yourself cause you weren't thinking about the situation positively. 

Bad shit happens to good people folks.
And like mommy said, though I hate it, life isn't fair. IM the drunk IM the one who took it to far, I'm the one that turned myself into a pickle; and as they say, once a pickle always a pickle.

I picked the guy, I ignored the lies, I didn't want to let the sex go and the good parts that I'm not entirely sure outweighed the bad; but imma pick the pieces up again; a bit everyday and move my ass on down the line just watch me! 

Its not going to be made easier with pot (I done smoked enough for all of us) Telling lies doesn't go down easier with a drink either. 

I'm gonna take my damage and I say move on down the line towards some more self-respecting place hopefully clearing some of the wreckage that is life lightening my load in the process! 






Thursday, August 11, 2016

I cry to strangers that enter the garden


Hello New York! I really haven't missed you and I find myself wishing for a vast natural landscape; but then how would I feel differently anyway? I've earned this opportunity; a mantra my dear and oldest friend gave me.

I pray that the city doesn't feed me it's dark energy as it has in the past, and I look desperately for the goodness in the smelly summer August in the big apple.

I find some. I find a lot! I find it in the people. The amazing New Yorkers - man they don't disappoint.  In a fragile state, after my garden meeting with the curator I immediately go to a gay & Lesbian AA meeting at the Betty Ford Clinic; Hazelton; which is located near the garden I'm installing my glass work in. I mean isn't this THE HAZELTON!? How many addicts have passed through these doors on the verge of death; to recover and enjoy life again. 

It is a very small meeting but I cried about my womanhood, my lying cheating boyfriend that I've recently dumped ::: (I was the last to know Paul said) and I talk about why I stayed - though much felt wrong, so much felt right too. I mean I'm guessing a good 6 months of cheats; and betrayal feels raw, mean and selfish. 

I look back now and see some signs;  but you know I'm a busy girl. I stay up late writing proposals, art grants and play many shows. I am ambitious and I have goals. My recent partner is a playboy; which is what I loved about him. I usually date really serious arty types; intellectuals; and geniuses. But Jeffrey was Good times; and he enjoyed nature more than the others; it got me out of my head. A balance is nice, though.

The city feeds me a few Angels::the tiny tiny girl lesbian in the AA meeting that is mixed race- a dike; she hugs me like her sister and I lean down so akwardly low to squeeze her as she explains how this too has happened to her and she got through it. And how the shame I feel is not my own and I need to let it go.

Today's dog trainer! Passing by the garden, I see him with several dogs /// I LOVE DOGS And already desperately miss mine. I ask him about his job and his background-- he is also mixed race maybe Mexican and Asian, and young, and he has met Cesar Milan. He is a natural at training but wants to be a vet.
He gives me some tips and I realize my dog Goose  has anxiety and I didn't realize it. He follows me incessantly around the house. This is anxiety the trainer says. I will work on it. That was today,,,,

But then there was last night. I haven't been sleeping or eating; stomach in knots but I already wasn't sleeping good for 2 weeks since the ex was away with his other girlfriend but I thought he was with so and so; and I hope my mom isn't reading this.

I dreamed my ex husband who I still adore but whom is not talking to me; I dreamed he had a new hot young girlfriend - he is 10yrs my senior) and that they had a kid together; and that he adopted her other 3 children. I watched them eat at a park table somewhere in my universe and I cried because I desperately want him to have what he wants.

So at the garden; today I'm wondering if this is going to ruin my hard earned experience here; 2 years in the making; and the only reason my heartbreak isn't killing it is I give myself license to cry to strangers in the garden. 

2 girls come through location scouting for a video; we get to talking they are both at NYU and born and raised New Yorkers...they talk about burning man and one tells me I would love her parents. Dad's a musician and moms an artist. Though her parents are much older than me (57) apparently they are more to my liking than the young girls to hang out with and I probably agree. 

I tell them about my lying cheating boyfriend and they tell me that's what the video is about; I didn't full on cry but it was in my eyes.

I didn't cry and yell until a shitty "human sexuality" major came through and asked me some gross questions about spooging; if I was single and what I thought over and over was disgusting or not. I starting crying and said leave me alone and the shitbag tried to give me a hug; and said he was sorry but still wouldn't stop asking questions about my human sexuality until I started yelling get the fuck out of here. I have the keys to the park; but still don't lock myself in. 

As we speak I'm at the whole foods in NoHo; the one near where another xboyfriend lives:  and he dumped me too (I hang on maybe too long; it's an attachment disorder from childhood); he also lied to me about another woman in his life; way back 2 yrs ago when I was considering moving here. Two trips ago I was in his hood obsessing of where he is and would I run into him? It was sickening how hurt and  mixed up I was at the time but I could care less if he walks through the door now; I'll see him Sunday were playing Sax together at my opening. 

I got over it. 


Reading Viv Albertines Book at the WFoods::: Clothes Clothes Clothes Music Music Music Boys Boys Boys.