Sunday, August 21, 2016

If life is so hard, why do I stay sober?

Yes it is! It's HARD! Not without its joys, but man this year is a bitch. Recently lost 2 best friends::: really three if you count my cheating manboy, I do miss his companionship but.......Imma...

Keep on trucking! One of the girls honesty; good riddance but man what a selfish one! Thanks for all you've taken. 

The other, a simple parting for awhile. Or forever, either is fine. I've made two other new friends, both funny, smart, gorgeous, crazy, loyal AND darling::: sober too- to fill up my dance card again. BONUS: Another One! That makes three - a dike new best friend - I get to see how the other half lives. 

I was reading an amazing article by a newly sober woman and I got to thinking: Why? Why do I stay sober when everybody else is cutting loose and tying one on? Escaping from their day with a margarita? How do I carry on!?'

I rapid fire thought of some reasons why I keep on keeping on; trudging the sober road to happy destiny....vain or otherwise 

-I don't wallow in pain; or drink it down; I process it and TRY and move on. How many regrets and resentments I had when using! How looooooong they stuck around to slowly eat me alive; shit piles up when you check out.
-I can forgive AND say I'm sorry....it was rare for those two things to happen in my previous life
-I have goals and I achieve them; sometimes quickly sometimes slowly...but regardless of those goals I know what joy feels like - and though it is illusive at times, I know it will return.
-my spirit tells me what I like- cause before I wasn't clear so I just quiet down and listen and I call my angels to guide me and on a good day my head doesnt race and it stops forcing its hurt ego on me
-I don't believe in the bible my dear readers, to me the book is just allegorical stories, HIS-stories passed down and Jesus is ok, I like him but he's not going to save anything or come down from the sky. Just listen and get some support.  It could be Jesus or the Buda does it matter? 
-I will never have the right to feel truly that I'm Alone, or lonely, or beyond help because in recovery support; life bearing support is only an honest conversation away. It has saved me so many times.
-I know how to ask for help or more importantly when I need to ask for it
-I realize I LOve Humans! I'm a people person. I rarely want to chit chat for hours in a bar (I didn't even enjoy that when I was drinking) I like to dive into an affirming conversation that leaves me thinking more about less; with people that I have a connection with; and I like to see Facebook and know what you're up to so I can celebrate your achievements or pray for your dog; and listen to you new songs on my own time.  
-I DO things, I don't sit around or do the groupie thing I got too much raw talent for that but I do love a talented troubadour; always have.
-I've got more money. A lot more! I'm doing quite well thanks I'm good. I can take care of myself and for a long time, in sobriety and before, I was crippled with fear about it cause you know, I'm an artist and we don't get paid that good.

Maybe it's the law of attraction! I believe thoughts can help guide you out of a depression or bad state or money problems but I think it's bullshit to say you brought trouble upon yourself cause you weren't thinking about the situation positively. 

Bad shit happens to good people folks.
And like mommy said, though I hate it, life isn't fair. IM the drunk IM the one who took it to far, I'm the one that turned myself into a pickle; and as they say, once a pickle always a pickle.

I picked the guy, I ignored the lies, I didn't want to let the sex go and the good parts that I'm not entirely sure outweighed the bad; but imma pick the pieces up again; a bit everyday and move my ass on down the line just watch me! 

Its not going to be made easier with pot (I done smoked enough for all of us) Telling lies doesn't go down easier with a drink either. 

I'm gonna take my damage and I say move on down the line towards some more self-respecting place hopefully clearing some of the wreckage that is life lightening my load in the process! 






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