Thursday, October 30, 2014

It takes courage I assure you!

This is my 4th self portrait and this is not getting any easier!! 6 more to go...

I have been trying SO hard lately! I've been doing these ugly portraits it seems almost like torture. I can't make myself look pretty and the eyes are always cock-eyed! 

Another lesson in humility. I'm seeing what I can't do, I've never been able to do well but I understood something tonight:: I love the hard,dark line too much. It flattens everything out, but I love it hell with you Rembrant give me some Matisse. Who's got time for all that subtlety?

Last night I had dinner with the band Vapors of Morphine-- or in other words Morphine! Long story short the sax player is like a big cuddle bear with mad skills and amazing tone. We talked about art ALL of dinner and he told me how to better cure my reeds, and prepare them for playing. He is an amazing guy and next year at Honk! I'm going to visit him and his family. They live in Sommerville.

He asked me questions about my art and told me about his process too. It was a lovely exchange. He's kinda serious but with a goofy, jokey side. Yes I'm at home with famous musicians-- yes!!! More please.

Today I see myself
-trying very hard to learn and overcome the plateau
-attempting to internalize the suggestions that countless friends and family have told me but that I'm tired of hearing
-working through lethargy
-adept at talking about art and very opinionated!
-going out on the town more (but not working, just for fun)

Tomorrow I have 3 shows!!! Yes, it's Halloween and witches I'm booked up! 

I'm sooooo excited! 

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Seriously today- who gives a shit!?

Today. Who gives a shit!? I am tired of being tired and unmotivated.

This portrait flew out in about 20 mins, after a beautiful messenger communicae with Fernanda via Sao Paolo. 

She was a comfort and a muse: and discussed her desire to move to Berlin and work for a time. 

F and I met in New York last Feb. via Andre- Andre I met on the Internet through music. He came to Austin and we shot my first solo record cover together, for "Femmie Auteur" in 2009. He shoots incredible black and white photography, and they are both about 10 years younger than me. 

When I was in NY for a month Andre connected us- me and Fernanda. She was there doing a job for 6 months in Branding. I still don't know exactly what she does, but she is a brainiac. 

Andre is right. Her and I are kindred spirits. I am not a brainiac. I am a bohemian. But I love working too: on art and music. I love studying too: music and art. 

Fernanda lifted my spirits talking about coming here for SXSW 2015. She said I could follow her to Berlin. I want to sing Cabaret, I will find a gig. Dreaming is all that it should be. I see about 3 months there, 4 - 6 if I want to learn to speak German.

Prior to the late night chat with Fernanda I was bargaining. I wanted my old boyfriend back. I wanted to move to NY despite the lack of trees. I wanted to play in the difficult Marching Band and I was thinking ¿what if I had a kid.?

Those thoughts flew out the window when the dreams of Fernanda's Berlin flew in. 

And now the old ideas seem - eh - a couple miles away. 

My job is to study music and work on my graphics jobs and not sit on them too long so I can stay in the $$ flow. 

If I can make it here I'll make it anywhere. 

-feeling humbled
-cleaning my house
-eating better today
-less crying than yesterday
-amazing and talented friends
-a long, quiet evening 
-too much facebook
-time for bed

Goodnight dreamers.

There are a whole lot more Andre photos! But I'm going to bed.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Self portrait day 2

This portrait is upsetting. 

It doesn't look a thing like me despite the fact that I watched myself in the mirror while drawing it. 

But that's not why I'm doing this so I have to let that go. I also wanted to stylize it in a cubist fashion and that too was a miss.

Despite this, while I was drawing it, I had dreams of being an expat: 

In Spain where I can use my fluent Spanish, or Brazil or better- Portugal where I can truly live in peace as a bohemian. Berlin! Yes! Italy.

I would do France if the women were friendlier. How dreamy even still!

It will hopefully be - one day soon. Until then, in my face I see tonight:

Unconventional life
Art seeking
Big eyes
Quite a bit of sadness

I don't want to stay away. I just want an adventure. I thought New York might be it but it's too expensive, too crowded, too concrete.

Though the people and music are wonderful, it's likely not for me. Why not be speaking something other than English? 

I'm good at languages and would love to pick up another one. 

Goodnight dreamers, thanks for dreaming.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

10 days of me, just me.

After a tear soaked yoga class tonight, during the meditation, I had an inspired idea. 

I'm going to do 10 self portraits for 10 days. 

Why? I asked myself. Because I want you to look at yourself, for that time, in the mirror, and find what you see. Oy vey!

I know what I feel: empty. The immense loss, a divorce. 

But what do you see? 

In Tonight's portrait I see a young woman, younger than I expected. I see some fearful eyes. I see a slight look away. I don't think I see myself.

I have not done a self portrait in a very very long time. I felt them, after art school, self indulgent I guess. Of course occasionally I would do one. But now I think back the last one was during an immense time of grief: I painted myself crying with a grackle in my hand:: my sister had died. 

That was 10 years ago! I am never over her death, of course,  but my grief today is no longer about her- she is with me always.

Today's portrait is kind of stiff. It doesn't look much like me. But I'm not into censoring myself. So this is the first attempt. 

Oh. I also see an abstract line going through my head. I am split....

...and I think I have a headache now.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

An artist should not fall in love with another artist -marina abramovic

My favorite highlights From Marina's "an artist's life manifesto"

-an artist should avoid falling in love with another artist
-An artist should be erotic
-through the suffering an artist trancends their spirit
-depression is not productive for an artist
-an artist should look deep inside themselves for inspiration
-the artist should give and receive at the same time
-an artist must make time for long periods of solitude
-an artist should not treat his work schedule as a bank employee does
-an artist should have friends who lift their spirits
-an artist has to learn to forgive

After I watched her amazing documentary  The artist is present: 

I cried when her and her performance artist husband reunited after 20 years of silence - to forgive within her MOMA retrospective. They both shed tears and so did I. To watch years of anger melt is an amazing thing. 

To forgive is amazing, and be forgiven a miracle.

I want to write my own manifesto now! Just for fun. No I never beat myself physically with a whip to create art but bear in mind I do that mentally consistently! 

Here is my manifesto:

-an artist should always fall in love with another artist that does art in the same vane as them, but never expect that relationship to last; as that collaboration is certainly temporary.
-an artist should write, stretch, or just putter around the house with tea; but try not jump to the phone or email while still in bed.
-an artist should realize when a creative relationship or collaboration is over and quickly move on to the next.
-an artist should steer clear of family, friends or acquaintances that constantly criticisize their work or talk shit.
-an artist should have a shop dog or cat
-an artist should not fear when work is not present. (S)he should create something for themselves to do; money or no money.
-an artist should recognize when to get training; if necessary.
-an artist should not make art for money or create with that as a goal in mind.
-an artist should not let others manage their repertoire, as they are generally taken advantage of.
-an artist should quiet down and listen for their purpose
-this statement is stupid and incorrect: "those who can't do, teach"

It's not that I do all these things. It's just what I think I should do and what I believe.

It's hard to know my own purpose and make steps to accomplish it. It's hard when you finally do take a step and you are denied (via grant or other contest.) It's acually devastating. 

At 41, I finally was awarded my first art grant. It's a tiny amount of money to do a huge project but it's better than nothing!

I'll post later when we've flushed out the idea, but I can tell you it's ambitious.

I've wanted to create music for dance for awhile. Dancers have choreographed to my music, but the music wasn't specifically written for dance. 

My sister Lauren was a dancer. Though I didn't study dance (she did) we connected on that level. Since she died I've been obsessed with dance and form. 

I don't consider myself a dancer (could use more training!) but I've danced with ease my whole life. For the City of Austin piece it will combine dance, visual art, and music.

We'll see where my new freedom chapter takes me. I have nothing but 3 furballs holding me back. I've sacrificed family for art and that's fine with me for this lifetime.

I've nurtured PLENTY. It's time for nature.

Marina's documentary was inspiring. I wanted to share - art strikes a chord. You should feel Something. In your heart, mind, or body. It should move you. 

If it doesn't, it's forgettable and purposeless. 

Goodnight Art Seekers!