Saturday, September 24, 2016

Time travel // some other lifetime

Spain! We have one more night together. I already miss you; your cobblestone streets, your strong cafe con leche, your gorgeous women....

Last night on the street, on my way to meet Raindogg, I passed an old man on the corner playing beautiful Italian style accordion. I dropped 3 euros in his cup and asked to take a picture - I started the video so I could share him. The video on the phone wouldn't work. As I got more and more excited about his playing his tune; he started playing more and better, playing to me. 

He was amazing, like something out of a Fellini movie. I started tearing up, overcome with joy.

I still don't know what was causing my emotion. I let him know he moved me to tears. He nodded his head.

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

In three minutes....

In three minutes the alarm will go off. I've been up all night, and for nights on end really. My spirit is quite thrilled with the state of things, so very much that it doesn't want to rest.

Ug. Jennie and I are at a hostel and I have Bob Marley on the earphones to literally drone out the hurricane orchestra of snoring that Jenni is infamous for. 

Our car got locked in a parking garage leaving us in Tarifa unexpectedly for this night. This is surfer town with a bunch of hipster surfer Europeans. I think we all wish we could stay longer and meet people but we pushing on. 

I have been reflecting at my burst of art luck; traveling to foreign countries to play, getting to play ACL this year, and singing with two different country musicians on records (more later I don't want to jinx) and a new record that I'm so proud of.

.....but it has not always been. How did I make it through that traveling drought that lasted 5 years? I went nowhere I was too broke, and or I didn't have anywhere to go. Or I didn't want to go anywhere I'm not sure what happened, but I had a long period of vast creative nothingness exciting; which for me is rather intolerable. 

I was depressed, yes, and I think this is a period following my sisters sudden death; and I was good to hang onto my own life, not drowning just as she did. 

Ironically, the descent to fun now, 10 years in the making, started with a little church my husband and I bought in the Bartlett, TX. 

It was a Victorian manse he found online, and he got excited. We went out to see it: two properties across from each other; one a huge Victorian house that was falling in but still had a ton of charm. 

The other, a property I bought myself:: a little house on the prarie church with huge clear stained glass windows on all sides. 

Bill was selling the two places; about 50g each. He worked in Fort Hood for the army but moreover, he was a psychic medium. 

Walking around the two places, he asked me-- do you have someone that passed over that looks like you? I don't want to scare you (the place was filled horder style with a ton of crap; and a piano) 

...but it's terribly distracting. She's running around; she's playing on the piano right now she's so excited for you about your new church. 

I'm sure I burst into tears. It has been 2 years since her death and I was a shell; going through  the motions; playing guitar in a band I started called the Easies, simple garage rock. 

He said I know nothing about music, but she wants to tell you something. It might be hard for me to explain it to you.

He described the neck of the guitar, the head, the tuning pegs. He said your sister is pointing to these things; she said, "you sound like crap."

"You need to set up your guitar" change out those pegs for better, set the action. I was playing a red Epiphone full hollow body made in Japan in the 90's.

He said a lot more things, about how depressed I was, she was worried about me. He said things only she would know, like when we were high in Barbados and with my cousins on a family trip, and a guy tried to give us a ride. They all wanted to go into the car- we were lost. 

Well, I actually was the only one that was high out of my mind but I got a bad vibe. She said (through Bill) you saved our ass. 

Anyway, only things my sister would know. A drought of shitty shows, and no traveling insued while I went under trying to pay for the church - I was broker than I have ever been. 

I stayed in touch with Bill for years; and he, with a couple others, guided me out of that joyless funk.

Yesterday in Tangier, all us musicians were in a rug shop. I'm obsessed with Persian rugs - like my dad. 

I went up to the top to look more. I was there alone with the sales men. 

They rolled one out for me. Prayer time happened, it was 5:30. The Muslims started singing....

I hit my knees And stretched out my arms and said give me a minute. 

I connected; I said thank you. I said sorry I have been in joy land for so long, in a sensory hurricane of music and earthly things. I said thank you God. 

After 5 mins I got up. The sales man said why are you crying???

I said you all connect 5x a day.....

Nurkie and band 

Mike and Kevin treated us to food and a cabana on the Mediterranean :: they are 2 NYers that came to have fun with Raindogg, my bass player....Mike featured right:-) it was a 1500$ day. That's Euros people!!!!!! Lol 

Thursday, September 1, 2016

A real true recovery story:::when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically

Ugh!!!!!!! I'm dragging my feet through another fourth step you know who you are. 

2 big raging resentments have eradicated my sleeping, eating, joy and that lovely serenity that I have missed. I'm rarely too serene anyway, but I'm down to 119 pounds and I've rarely been this thin. 

Manytimes relationships about face and people don't act right. One thing that has helped me is saying to myself: People, including me, are allowed to end friendships and relationships at any time. Usually people are shit heads about it; and that is what I'm angry about. Not the loss itself even. I'm hurt. 

I wanted, instead of focusing on the loss, recount in brief a successful recovery story. 

Http:// It should be a website but it's just a relationship. One of 10 years plus. More like 15. Bonnie and her twin were in my first meeting ever; I was 27. 

Duuuuuuude! Me and Bonnie had been at odds for nearly 10 years. Many in the community have experienced how her personality is trying, rough, aggressive, bipolar, etc. she is troubled. 

She was openly aggressive and mean to me; like the time I said hi and she yelled something rude in the parking lot back at me at Cafe Mundi. At that time I laughed and said, "that's Bonnie".

Butt I was also intrigued by her::: she's gorgeous, musically talented, and wears great clothes. 

All the beauty outside didn't mask her troubles. Hot and cold people drive me crazy I hate being around them. And that's her. Nice one minute and mean the next. I would see her multiple times a week. 

At a really low point in my life, after my grandpa died, I was unexpectedly depressed. (That grandpa wasn't that great in many ways but I digress) The house went to shit for months on end. I remember that; and one day I had enough of Bonnie. I picked up the sword and started an emotional war with her. 

I decided, in my fucked up way to hate her with all my might. I was going to kick her ass too! At the peak of this war, at a meeting, she shoved past me on a stairwell when I refused to move and I threatened to throw her down the stairs. Not my shining moment! 

After multiple 4th steps on her my sponsor said look you need some outside help. You've already done the AA work around this; this is family of origin issue. Deeper; way deeper than her. She triggered my abusive upbringing and all the anger at her-me-them was a lightening rod that was about to send me to the hospital. 

I got a therapist that did EMDR (thank you SIMS) again, and again you saved my life and countless other musicians....we're sensitive beings!

Kathy helped my process my trauma with sounds that bounce from ear to ear; I'm not sure the science but when you think about what troubles you; it helps move it from your left brain to right brain. Trauma gets stuck in the brain of some; and stays there haunting through triggers that happen in normal life. Kinda like when veterans of war hear gun shots and jump; out of fear. 

I processed the fear around her (my brain was reacting like there was a physical threat every time I saw her; a fight or flight reaction) and it was absurd; but very real to me. I thought I was going insane.

After a very few rounds of EMDR (the first time I did it my subconscious brain flipped like a rolladex firing off old experiences and making connections so fast my conscious brain couldn't keep up with it)....

I was sane again and I decided my plan of dealing with her. 

I simply ignored her so completely that she didn't exist; I wouldn't be in ear shot or eye distance and if I was I'd move. A few times severe fear flared up again but mostly it was gone. I continued this for years! About 4. 

After my divorce, about 1.5 years ago I told (my) heart-wrenching story full of tears to a full room of recovery people. I don't hold back or mince details; I told only the truth and I didn't gloss over my personal struggles. I hate when people share about how great it all is - being sober - bull shit. It's hard. 

Let me clarify: it's not hard to abstain from drinking. I mean life is hard because people die, you disappoint the ones you love, and don't get the things you think are going to make you happy and when you do get them you're still not happy. 

There's no way around grief and disappointment but through it; and if i don't pass through it;  it will eat me up via misery and self loathing. Lol that's just me. 

Anyway I told this here story and felt the joy of expressing myself. B was in the front row and I had to angle myself not to look at the pretty not so pretty mug.

Afterwards she came up to me in tears. I'm sorry I do this she said. (Paraphrasing) I act mean and I don't want to be that person anymore. We are both going to be in this meeting. What have I done to you for you to treat me this way?

I said, (paraphrasing) you did just what you said: for no good reason, you have been mean to me  from day one targeting me with your anger and hostility. I have hated you a long time. I think you're an interesting person and we probably have more alike than different.

I appreciate your bold apology and I forgive you. Let's hug. 

YEARS of tension melted instantly. For another year I stayed clear maybe giving a slight smile or a wave but never getting to close....

Until last weekend. She came over to talk to me and sat by me at a meeting. 

Huzzah! If only everyone could be so honest, so brave, so real. So willing to heal.