Saturday, August 23, 2014

Ladies ladies bitches hos player haters gamers & creative nemesis'

This is dedicated to all the ladies. I love love my ladies. I am one of those l❤️❤️Vvers of all things female, and I personally wouldn't survive with women in my life. My mom, my friends, my grandparents + sister (dead but still vibing). My sister in law, my mother in law, my niece, (not my x-step mom) but I think you get the point::

I need women in my life to guide my thoughts, love me, like my clothes and go shopping with me-- but I have to say::::

We have a mother fucking hard ass time getting along you bitches! 

This is what I mean:::

We're competitive, frightened, egocentric, passive aggressive, downright mean and nasty behind closed doors and sometimes in front of them. I'm so tired of the caddy bullshit that I wrote a song in homage to  one of my haters: Cat Fight. I sing it with some parts anger some parts fear, and I made the band play it in such away that it's not cute and furry- but dark and heavy. It's not cute when two girls hate each other because on the other side of that hate is probably adoration and love. But, the ill will gets in the way and voila- signals crossed.

Creative women have to work hard at it- and by that I mean working together in bands or creative projects. When women work together it's a beautiful thing! It shows in the performance.

For instance I have been made aware by fans when I'm the only female on stage - as if it's something to be proud of, like I must be amazing if the dudes let me play with them. And sometimes I like that too:: being the only femme up there. 

But mostly I'm concerned with players that work at what they do and get along. And don't be boring! I dislike boring people both male and female. 

I'm not sure what I'm saying here.

I know I have female nemesis out there. I know that those nemesis are all creative. I know that I'm either jealous, hurt, or confused by their mixed messages, their hot and cold personalities. I know it has nothing to do with their talents or how talented they are. I love surrounding myself with the best.

All I know is I perceive them to give me bad vibes, and then, over time, in turn, I turn on them as well. I give it back and then : boom - creative nemesis. It varys over time and I've seen it get well and change, and appreciate. But mostly it stays the same for years on end.

It makes me miserable that there's no healing, that I haven't healed, but that's life. 

As I turned the key to my door after another amazing show played downtown, I heard my dogs barking. I thought briefly about my dogs. They don't like everything or everyone either.

But they LOOOOVE me! That is clear.

Practicing Patience::: zzzzzzzz boring.

Last night I went on a late night bike ride. I put on my favorite mash-up Fela Soul it was lovely. I had had a hard day, my emotions have been all over the map.

I've been telling myself that I'm less than, I've been doing a lot of "Compare and Despair" LOL. That says it all. It's not a race, this life. My triggers are my career (music mainly but art too) two very difficult paths.

Which brings me to my thought today about myself. I am very impatient. I'm the one with road rage cause I'm always in a hurry. (For that I work from home and drive as little as possible) I think sitting in traffic is such a waste of time and my brain starts to short circuit....

I also have no patience when it comes to the timeline of my dreams of successes. I want it all now and even if it's coming, it takes so long to get here that it's already not enough. I look at people and wonder how they get their ideas for the amazing things that they do.

I want to do amazing things! I want to be a part of a community of amazing happenings! My fellow creative calls this "FOMO" or Fear of Missing Out. Apparently I'm not alone if there is a new english acronym for it! LOL.

Bike riding last night was WONDERFUL! It's too hot here right now to ride during the day. I focused on focusing on the road.

I had a song idea this morning and I'm just thinking about how to settle into this patience that I desire. In the meantime, I temper my thoughts. I take Chinese Herbs (they work I think!) get acupuncture, and try to be me.

I have another idea: I am going to do a portrait series of wonderful women: They're nudes. I would take commissions, but if you know of an amazing woman artist, musician, activist, or local celeb I'll take suggestions. I have the first model: Datri Bean, my amazing and talented band leader in Minor Mishap. She'll have a rose in her hair, and hold her kitty.

Happy Saturday.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Ask -- and it's Given? The law off attraction

I was feeling so bad today (in a general mental space-way) that I put myself back to sleep! I think I was just exhausted! I spun myself out and luxuriously slept another 30 - 40 mins to ride it out. That was AFTER a meditation.

When I woke up (doggies in bed and all yaay) I still felt a lot of feelings that I couldn't process so I popped on the 'ole Hay House Radio. It's been about a year since I've listened, despite the terribly difficult year I've had.

If you don't know me,  I'm a total new ager. But I do have my limits! I had cast off The "Law of Attraction" a while ago. I have read the book, watched the movies, and listened to the podcasts but I just gave it all up one day.

Well today's the day! The day it has made a modecrum of sense to me. After listening to a non-believer ask a question about his finances Esther guided him into the process of getting him into a headspace whereby he could accept that his thoughts do affect his future, and that his thoughts are blocking him from what he wants.

HE WANTS MONEY! and guess what? so do I! LOL.

But more importantly (to me) I was feeling bad today. Listening to the man's struggles helped me realize that:

- I am sad. All this negativity floating around in my brain coming out in different ways : this person didn't treat me right or this girl has what I want or I don't want her to have what I have!!! ??? What?

Yes. In my brain I not only want MORE I sometimes want you (mostly if I don't jive with you) to have less. Yikes. That is not the me I want me to be.

 - So I'm feeling a little less than. Noted. I cried it out a bit. I let it go as far as it wanted to go and then I did my nasty dishes.

- I realized, while listening to the podcast that I can't jump from 'I don't have shit' - (not true) to I have everything I want and need and the universe is taking care of me in every way.

- I need to generalize my beliefs and desires and get to a place where I can calm down! Then start, sometimes, with what I don't want to get to what I do want.

- This new blogging is about getting out of fear and exposing the inner mind of my artistry and lifestyle.  It's interesting-  to me. It definitely helps me organize the book I want to write! BOOYAH!

The fact that I'm taking the time is one step towards my own manifestation of my desires and dreams. Out of fear and into gear. STOOPID! but true for me.

-I know what I want and I'm doing what I want. It doesn't always go well. I'm scared about the future. I feel like I've given up a lot of what society sees as successful to pursue my artistic dreams and it's painful that I don't view myself as a success sometimes. But sometimes I do!?!

But today wasn't one of those days. I can't tell you if the law of attraction is true, that it works, that I've manifested something major (like a radio hit wha wha)?? I haven't. I don't have anymore this moment than I had in the last one. But, I can get into a general headspace that allows me to be ok with where I am at this moment, and plan for future moments by getting into action. I can start the path to believing that I have mental blocks that are clouding my happiness and potentially hurting my future.

Listen to the podcast and give me your thoughts:: It's an hour, but the guy I'm speaking of is the first 30 mins.

And PLEASE don't be nasty to me if you're going to comment! I can't take it this week.

(listen to the podcast here) You will need to create an account.

Monday, August 18, 2014

When Creatives go Psycho on you:: Democracy People!!!!

This is not new or unique to me!

This happens to me mostly with women!

Another creative meltdown. Another creative loss in my community, and by loss I mean to me.

Out of the blue this week, 6 months later after a performance, a seriously close creative collaborator  sent me a venomous email which I believe to have little or nothing to do with me.

What it said? "You disrespected me" "You don't appreciate my talents" "you are self-centered" (true but not a crime) "you only call when you have drama and I don't want to hear about your crap" (so untrue)...

Maybe this Pistol is having a meltdown maybe they are manic. I know I am. And I can't take it. Blocked! Out. Done and I feel better. It's over.

 I'm kinda numb. I learned a lot from this person, but they aren't well right now. Neither am I.

The last thing said by them was, all on facebook: "You can't take any criticism that's not kissing your ass, can you.." I mean -- what does that even mean? I won't be bullied.  Not by anyone. Man or Woman.

I take criticism all the time - my band gives it. But they don't call me names, try to pick ugly fights or trump up charges that I was mean and nasty and disrespectful. Cause I'm not. And if I am snappy, I apologize asap. I'm not perfect I get fussy and/or frustrated sometimes. Live music is rough. Keeping a band (AND DANCERS??) even tougher. Without a budget??? OY VEY.

I'm always conscientious, though, and when I'm nasty I usually know it because I feel bad. I apologize. For the record I apologized to this one, but they wouldn't have it. BURN BABY BURN! They burned the Bridge.

I've prided myself on being the best bandleader I can be. When I quit something, I don't have to blow it up to pieces. I don't have to, because there is a way to communicate in an honest way that I'm done. I might be angry about it. But I won't be forever.

Here are some ways to communicate you don't want to do a creative project anymore:

1. This has been a learning experience but I don't have time or the mental space for it right now. Best of Luck.

2. I'm sorry I can contribute to this anymore. (you don't need to explain!)

3. Something doesn't feel right to me and I have to trust my instinct on this one.

4. I don't feel comfortable with this krewe.

5. I thought I would be a good fit but I'm not, and I thank you for inviting me to perform.

6. I have to focus on myself and what's best for me. Good Luck!

(If I am angry) 

7. The way you've spoken to me was unacceptable. I don't work like this.  We're not a match. Best of luck.

I don't need to blow shit up or list the crap that I don't like because if they're acting machugana they can't hear it anyway.

This is all fine and understandable. Maybe the project people or the band will be hurt for a bit (maybe I'll be hurt)  but let it go, I have let this stuff go-- and it's getting easier to navigate an angry disagreement.


Not everyone is going to like what you choose to do, say, act out, or perform. But you can't go psycho about it. You can't control other people.

Another more amazing performer will come along that's the right fit - or You (I) We can take a different direction or approach.

Sometimes it's just not meant to be forever. But I'm still happy it happened. I'm also happy it's over.

I feel better now, I feel good and that I did the right thing (for me) and I'm sure they did the thing that THEY know how to do.

velvet dust issue 2

Sunday, August 17, 2014

I'm blogging more-- deal with it!

I was thinking about music and musicians -- again. 

I went to a healer today. He loves working with blocks in creativity and music. And though I'm "in the flow" I have been pretty negative lately. 

Here are my negative notes from the underground::

1. Please get better! You're 40 and still playing at the level that is lower than many elementary children? Practice more and dream less. 

2. If you are awesome, and know you're an amazing player, you're not fun to play with, you can't share the stage and you have an ego problem. Don't get near me!

3. It is hard for me and rough on my ego but my Dagger band: I promise to forever pass the tip jar around during and after the set- we made an extra $69 (yes how lovely) because I insisted on going around the club begging for $ & €. (I did cop out the second half and get Phil's girlfriend to do it but hell- it's the best I could do) Is $69 nickels and dimes? Yes! But that stack of cash is nice to give out to the band so they can go get tacos for breakfast-- and treat their boy/girlfriend.

4.The bar Manager loved my set quote, "that was pretty fucking awesome" so I gave him a cd and asked him to put it on the jukebox. I'm a million years old and I said jukebox! 

5. Instead of shouting out "be sure to tip your bartenders people" which for some reason annoys the shit out of me, I said how are those drinks Y'all?? Yell if you love Firehouse! I'm sure that equally annoying. But this bar DOES do specialty cocktails and they do work so hard on each drink....of which as usual I had zip not even a virgin piƱa colada. What's wrong with me?

6. It's not uncommon for me to avoid the bar all night long and not drink a single thing. I loath waiting around that bar it feels like a cattle call. 

7. It is true!!! I got off my scooter with sax axe on my back and bag of framed art AND props and the door guy (with a line of people to get in) said hello Ms. Dagger and let me cut on in. I totally felt like a rockstar.

8. Please God I want to tour Catalan again please please after Honk! NYC I will do anything!

9. The healer said I was Brave (in that I faced the music -- lol) in regards to my problems and I believed him.

10. He said genuine love had been given/passed to me and that could I feel it? I couldn't at the time. 

It was a free healing session. It was lovely, but hard work. Healers are very weird and like many therapists some are very whack in their own right. But these guys were really cool- and it's free Wed 6-9 and Sunday 2-5 at Casa De Luz. 

Go check it out. I'm blogging more so I can get my thoughts out and refine them.

Goodnight! 1:37am Sunday night

Ms. Dagger
Next show:: Minor Mishap at the Mohawk Downtown ATX

Saturday, August 16, 2014

If you can do anything else besides music....

I am trying to better myself. I have taken up (again) saxophone lessons with the amazing Austin Guitarist, composer, sax player Shawn Jones. (The Lovely Sparrows) With the focus of (well, everything) but mainly site reading.

As a sax player in the big band Minor Mishap my band leader Datri Bean always has music for the Bari Sax to play. At first I would just ear everything like I do in all my other bands, and learn my part via one of the other 3 or so woodwinds. But, I quickly realized that Bari is always on harmony, rarely on melody. So ear-playing other people's parts did a disservice to MM. I wasn't playing what she wrote. And her parts are amazing, so full of harmonies. I ended up relying on my bandmates to use their spare time to walk me through my part. It was frustrating for me-- though they're SO NICE about it.

Anyways, I've done another article about my fear of site reading when I was sitting in with Hungry March in NYC. I desperately didn't want to look like a fool - they were presenting a new song that rehearsal. So I digress....

The point of this musing is that my teacher and I were discussing his other students who are seniors in high school - they are working on most difficult material for their honors - or all state or whatever it's called! They are studying some really hard stuff.

At any rate, he told me that most of them look to him for guidance about what to study in college. They have been working on this for 4 years! And this is the pinnacle.

What does he say to them?

"If you can be happy doing AnYTHING else besides playing music you should do it."

I totally agree. Because like Shawn I'm driving the same car I have driven for 10 years, I hustle gigs every week, and I often go without so that I can have my days free to create.

This relates to me because fortunately or unfortunately (and I've tried) I don't think I can be happy doing a 9-5, not being free to create. I've tried it. If had the best jobs- they coolest bosses, and some ideal situations.

Just a thought I constantly process. Can I be happy doing anything else?

...Show tonight super awesome band - props, dance and all - at Firehouse Lounge 10 - 12. I'm pretending we're in France - circa Toulouse Lautrec.
DD Dagger photo below: Isaac Soloman: Marfa, TX