Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Self portrait number 5 // the owl hoots. Is it talking to me?

These portraits remain difficult. This is portrait 5. I am so glad I can put paint down on a page but I'm no illustrator, never have been. I actually do better with photos but I'm not allowing these selfies to be photos - the goal is to look at myself; and I can't say my thoughts during this exercise have been a very fun place to hang. Sorry to self! I feel bad about it but what can I do?

Besides looking deep and feeling hard, these days I've been appreciating those that love me and my amazing friends that support me. I do love myself! I work hard at it. Did anyone ever say it would be easy? Thank you for everything.

If you ever saw me on stage and thought I was gliding through life, that the choices I've made were easy, that I get to live out my dreams - wait !! I do get to live out my dreams. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. 

I'm posting these ugly unfinished portraits for you to see. That's all. It's uncomfortable. But when I'm done? I'm done. When I get over something I really get over it. My heart is forgiving, and I don't stay mad....though it might take awhile. If somehow posting these is helping me process- well I'm just not sure yet. I almost gave up tonight.

There is this owl hooting outside my window as I'm writing. I don't hear them often but it's been here a couple of nights in a row. It's loud! And it's been raining constantly for 2 days.

I hope he is living in the big oak tree at the back of my yard. Maybe he is a reminder of the fleeting nature of things. Or a Note to my wiser self. Maybe he is looking for a mate! I only hear one. 

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