Art of activism, rebellion, and the difficult approach towards change

Searching for something to believe in? I am.

In this search for something to get me through this next quarter of life I've been reading. I mean, it's time for phase two. Or I might be in phase three?

I cried myself to sleep last night reading chapter two of Courtney Martin's book "do it anyway"- the new generation of activists. I believe I've already mentioned my exciting discovery of her on this blog. 

"Homeboy Industries" is a cutting edge gang rehab in LA that is run by Raul Diaz - also from the barrio of Boyle Heights, which is one of LA's most dangerous Gangbanger zones. He is an activist and a healer. To say he changes lives... I mean wow.

The work he does from his heart is incredible. It's not the first I'd heard of Raul and Homeboy Industries. They were viewed I believe on one of my favorite podcasts, On Being: listen here and your heart will pull:   I believe I cried then too! 

We don't have a south central LA in Sweet little Austin, Tx, but we do have gangs, and my ex husband (a recovered junkie)  worked at a youth treatment facility for many years counseling addicted youth. He would tell me stories..."this one kid couldn't follow the rules and had to get taken away in shackles....he's on his way to Gardner Bettes." Which is juvenilne prison. Heartbreaking. We all mourned for those guys. They couldn't get honest or just couldn't....

When one rebels and can't follow the rules, that is activism, or more rebellion. Who is it they're rebelling against? If rebelling against those who are trying to help you (my ex) for example, as kind and generous chemical dependency counsellor, then from my viewpoint you cannot see the light and are acting in ego. 

This is obviously not helpful to oneself, though I can see why one would believe they are rebelling against the system. 

I think back to my first act of rebellion. I grew up in a physically abusive house. I was the middle so I had both mom and sister beating on me consistently. I'll never forget-- the day my sister was terrorizing me. She had me pinned in the corner of the closet. I guess I had enough because I punched her so hard in the stomach that she ran off crying. I'll never forget that. I must have been 12 or so. That was the end of that.

My sister, before she died, had changed her path. All that anger? She went to therapy, read philosophy, did yoga, was an activist herself and a protester. In essence, she saw the light and opened the doors for me too. I saw her change her thinking and we stopped arguing so much and at the end, had a wonderful loving relationship. 

All this is to say that I'm diving into my activism. What am I passionate about? (art, always art and music, always music.) I'm watching the documentary on Ai WeiWei- the Chinese activist and artist. His personality is charged- he is very open against Chinese government, and it could have great consequences. It has had great consequences. Many of his contemporaries have been imprisoned- it is not fun and games. Check out his Twitter and blog. He's a genius. 

He is very political. Am I? Dunno! Not really. I mean I'm not terribly outspoken. 

I do feel strongly about starting in my house - my family of origin. My first rebellion? Fighting back. My second? Maybe quitting drinking and using. Emotions had imploded on me and I had abused myself endlessly. A conscious act for me, everyday to stop poisoning myself. My third activist act? Leaving a stable and loving husband for a more open and free emotional existence. That's complicated, and I've over simplified it here. I still love him. 

So- I don't know where my art and activism is going, but it's moving towards art, creative thought, music, dance.  My performance art piece for the city with Rachel Weiss is coming together. More on that as it unfolds! It will be intense I think. We are at a crossroads with it. 

And I feel strongly about the glass installation I've presented for the Garden Committee in Manhattan. PLZZZZZZZZZZ angels. 

Until then, I'll be reading, studying, writing, and dancing. And having fun - by being a bohemian. 

Another act (maybe my best and most important act) of rebellion. 

The making of Erodica! The record is nearly done, its aftermath continues...!

First of it's going to drive me crazy! Because people will pronounce this title as E-R-O-T-I-C-A, because the T sounds like a D. But it is really pronounced: ERODE-ICA, blending the words "Eroding" with "Erotic"... which had been my life for awhile when I went to NYC for a month this past February to write this record with Raindogg.

Raindogg and I met in Austin. He found my DD Dagger profile on Reverbnation where he was looking for a singer to perform in a musical about his Grandma from Brooklyn, who was black, and a hustler. I was thrilled. I listened to the music that he had made in the past with the lovely Ms. Kassy Key. It was different than my music but there was a common thread and a vintage sound that I liked.

I was so excited about the musical. We met for a meeting about it and I met the other actors and a musician friend of his.

Then we got a show. We played the show. It was fantastic, all Raindogg songs and a couple of DD Dagger ones. I had a blast, his band was really good and they didn't eff around. I was terrified, as usual. I learned the lyrics it took me forever. I hate memorizing lyrics.

I needed an editor. I had just shot a video with my dancers, he edited the video.  Just like that. It was amazing, he was great.

We did a couple of other collaborations and then I got an email. Moving to New York in December. OUT OF THE BLUE>

What about my MUSICAL?? I've been waiting all my life!

...I am going to write part 2 tomorrow. For now, I'm going to lament that I'll never get to sing in this musical, on the bright side::

This great record was written with Raindogg and though it is laced and layered with heartbreak, I am very proud of it.

we're releasing the songs one at a time, as singles. Here is the first single: listen: https://soundcloud.com/raindogg/erodica-by-dd-dagger-feat-raindogg

xox dd

just because just because just because

"Just Because"

Well, well, well,
Just because you think you're so pretty,
And just because your momma thinks you're hot,
Well, just because you think you've got something
That no other girl has got,

You've caused me to spend all my money.
You laughed and called me old Santa Claus.
Well, I'm telling you,
Baby, I'm through with you.
Because, well well, just because.

http://youtu.be/pza0XsTaCTg

Elvis: Just Because. I have always loved this song. My first band Deep Sombreros used to cover it. Peter took the country out of it and made it more jump blues. Ian and I took solos. Always fun. 

Just because, just because just because popped into my head while painting. Why? I don't know that shit just happens sometimes. I listened to the lyrics. Do they have something to say to me? 

Just because I went to a knitting circle at 10 am this morning and chatted with all older women who have been around the block and are wise,  and who seem to be very nurturing and sweet: and above all, can show me how to knit like they can knit: reading patterns, isle knitting, expanding my patience to more complex patterns. So rad. It's time. 

Just because I have been looking at myself through a healing lens so that I might be better 

Just because I'm an artist.  Just because I'm an entertainer who doesn't make a lot of money, but who has great ideas and can execute....

Just because my career has simultaneously never been more active and my daydreams never been more still....

Just because: A thing is just a thing not what someone thinks of that thing. BIRDMAN!

Just because this blog got almost 600 hits last month! LOL

Just because the Grant Brothers and I are reuniting for the first time since '2000 to form a new band and that 2nd rehearsal is tomorrow...

Just because this is my 6th self portrait and my internal critique has lessened...

Just because Just because just because 

I wish I were Black

I know it's not PC to say that. But walking the dogs through my neighborhood tonight DA EAST SIDE!!! there was a smokin' party going with full on DJ, bright lights, and rap music and people hanging out on the front porch. No white-ies.

The sound system was SO GOOD, the lights very funky, and I loved the rap song they played. I had no idea who it was. I wish I was more versed in new rap/hip hop music.

Something like...."things is on my mind, not be all the time, thinking sometime In MY CITY!" those weren't the words but the chorus was something like that. Very catchy.

Can't I be black instead of Jew? I could blow the soul out of my horn. I could BLOW BETTER! Have a fro, wear bright pink lipstick like Rhianna, wear big gold "ghetto" jewelry...EAAAWWWW I already do that.

I want to play sax for a rapper like that -  something good. Just putting it out there. And please be black if possible.

It reminds me that I missed Pharcyde this year by a pinch, at SXSW. Which has gotten SO HUGE that bands like Pharcyde were playing at a small club on Rainey Street.

Instead, who did I catch? Freaking Asher Roth the most hideous stupid overhyped whitest frattiest sorority induced rap I've ever heard. I hate his music. It an embarrassment to the mainstream.

That's who I caught. I was PISSED! HO well. BTW his show was terrible.

Minor Mishap is leading a procession to Stubbs where De La Soul is playing this halloween and I hope that gives us entry.

That will have to dooooo!

So tonight, on the way to a gig at the Continental Club with my dear Minor Mishap, I will blow the soul out of this white jew's Bari.

It will have to doooooo!

Keeping Austin Weird or Keeping Austin Austin?

I LOVE THESE PEOPLE!

It's tough to see my fellow peeps in pain, and I saw one such amazing bass player friend of mine today at a coffee shop. He is going through a major life transition right now. Ejected out of his house that he'd been living in for 15 years due to a mold infestation and the severe deterioration of his health. He was paying next to nothing in rent. Now he's forced to join most of what Austin is today: a terribly rough housing market.

I don't know how we do it. And by that I mean managing our lives while still finding inspiration to make art out of nothing. My friend said, "I'm going on tour tomorrow for three days - to me, that is normal. I've got to feel normal again." LOL this of course means living in a van, eating on the road, sleeping in friends or fan's homes, but travelling, playing music and being with your homies.

The Willie Nelson song "On the Road Again" comes to mind.

It's true we've all manifested our own lives. I don't believe I'm a victim of my circumstances and in addition to that I'm always thinking of ways I can make some cash to get going or doing something.

I currently am invited to tour with friends in Italy this October but I'd be paying my own way- it would be more of a workation - than a tour, but I'd rather travel by playing music, period. It feels better to me.

This trip would/will be amazing and I might do it- but I'd like to manifest a situation where I'm being paid to do just the same. I'm not sure how to do this: but I'm starting with a simple statement:

I believe that taking lessons and practicing my site reading will lend myself to higher paying gigs. I'm nodding, to myself. Yes this is true for me.

The question I've been hearing lately around a lot among artistic and musical circles is this: We are going to get pushed out of this town. That's not an exaggeration, and it's not hysterical - if you want to be an underground artist.

If you want to do architecture or build houses for a living and you happen to play music, you'll be fine. If you want to continue to make the music you like to make and it doesn't happen to be Taylor Swift or the like, you will be eating beans. There is about I would guess a 3% chance you're not going to eat beans.

If Austin wants to keep it's cultural roots and not turn into something that looks like Deep Eddy in Dallas or The Riverwalk in San Antonio, they're going to have to keep coming up with ways to help their artists. I really believe this.

Some ideas: 
-an emergency stipend for rent/bills for WORKING (not slacker) musicians. I'm kind of harsh about this: you should be working as an artist, but I'll let the gatekeepers deal with that.
-An artists co - op of of duplex or condo's. A 90210 for artists of all types. Partially City-Funded (not art businesses I believe there is that going on already)-- See the Canopy.
-That's all I got. I've got to go pick up my animal from Emancipet. He got a ((FFRREEEEE))) surgery from the mobile clinic:: SNIP SNIP. Found him running around like a mashugana on the East Side in front of Arlan's on Airport.

So - see - we fund for animals. If we didn't there would be 1,000,000 more dogs and cats on the streets running wild. More disease, trash, poo-- catch my drift?

Let's start getting real about taking care of ourselves and our communities. If Austin wants to "KEEP AUSTIN WEIRD" it's going to do more than build up the huge establishments on South Lamar, keep air cranes in the downtown sky, and build up condos no one I know can afford.

It's going to have to keep a balance of what's weird and cool in our little community (the creative people - duh) with what's going to bring in $$$.

Practicing Patience::: zzzzzzzz boring.

Last night I went on a late night bike ride. I put on my favorite mash-up Fela Soul https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PDg8YyFzMw it was lovely. I had had a hard day, my emotions have been all over the map.

I've been telling myself that I'm less than, I've been doing a lot of "Compare and Despair" LOL. That says it all. It's not a race, this life. My triggers are my career (music mainly but art too) two very difficult paths.

Which brings me to my thought today about myself. I am very impatient. I'm the one with road rage cause I'm always in a hurry. (For that I work from home and drive as little as possible) I think sitting in traffic is such a waste of time and my brain starts to short circuit....

I also have no patience when it comes to the timeline of my dreams of successes. I want it all now and even if it's coming, it takes so long to get here that it's already not enough. I look at people and wonder how they get their ideas for the amazing things that they do.

I want to do amazing things! I want to be a part of a community of amazing happenings! My fellow creative calls this "FOMO" or Fear of Missing Out. Apparently I'm not alone if there is a new english acronym for it! LOL.

Bike riding last night was WONDERFUL! It's too hot here right now to ride during the day. I focused on focusing on the road.

I had a song idea this morning and I'm just thinking about how to settle into this patience that I desire. In the meantime, I temper my thoughts. I take Chinese Herbs (they work I think!) get acupuncture, and try to be me.

I have another idea: I am going to do a portrait series of wonderful women: They're nudes. I would take commissions, but if you know of an amazing woman artist, musician, activist, or local celeb I'll take suggestions. I have the first model: Datri Bean, my amazing and talented band leader in Minor Mishap. She'll have a rose in her hair, and hold her kitty.

Happy Saturday.

If you can do anything else besides music....

I am trying to better myself. I have taken up (again) saxophone lessons with the amazing Austin Guitarist, composer, sax player Shawn Jones. (The Lovely Sparrows) With the focus of (well, everything) but mainly site reading.

As a sax player in the big band Minor Mishap my band leader Datri Bean always has music for the Bari Sax to play. At first I would just ear everything like I do in all my other bands, and learn my part via one of the other 3 or so woodwinds. But, I quickly realized that Bari is always on harmony, rarely on melody. So ear-playing other people's parts did a disservice to MM. I wasn't playing what she wrote. And her parts are amazing, so full of harmonies. I ended up relying on my bandmates to use their spare time to walk me through my part. It was frustrating for me-- though they're SO NICE about it.

Anyways, I've done another article about my fear of site reading when I was sitting in with Hungry March in NYC. I desperately didn't want to look like a fool - they were presenting a new song that rehearsal. So I digress....

The point of this musing is that my teacher and I were discussing his other students who are seniors in high school - they are working on most difficult material for their honors - or all state or whatever it's called! They are studying some really hard stuff.

At any rate, he told me that most of them look to him for guidance about what to study in college. They have been working on this for 4 years! And this is the pinnacle.

What does he say to them?

"If you can be happy doing AnYTHING else besides playing music you should do it."

I totally agree. Because like Shawn I'm driving the same car I have driven for 10 years, I hustle gigs every week, and I often go without so that I can have my days free to create.

This relates to me because fortunately or unfortunately (and I've tried) I don't think I can be happy doing a 9-5, not being free to create. I've tried it. If had the best jobs- they coolest bosses, and some ideal situations.

Just a thought I constantly process. Can I be happy doing anything else?

...Show tonight super awesome band - props, dance and all - at Firehouse Lounge 10 - 12. I'm pretending we're in France - circa Toulouse Lautrec.
DD Dagger photo below: Isaac Soloman: Marfa, TX