Note to my younger self on the art of making art

Dearest sweet Allyson;

You are a do-er. So, if you ever feel depressed because your not doing something, anything, just remember that it's ok. It will not last, and you will be doing something interesting again soon. You will have years of what I'm calling an "art desert" but that too, shall pass. You will say to yourself, ugh! That was hard, I'm glad that year(s) is over.

Sweetie, you have to make your own creative opportunities. Decide what YOU want to do, and then sit back and wait 5 years, maybe 10. You will look back and you will have done it. It might not look or feel as you expected.

IT IS OK that you wait until the last minute to do most creative things, but you have to suffer those consequences. (that comes from a therapy session you have had in 2017 so don't worry about it for now except that now is then)

The people you work with is paramount. You have stayed in creative situations WAY too long thinking that nothing else would come your way, but this is dysfunctional. Things DO end and you will be glad they do.

On that note letting go is not easy for you, and it's not easy for most people. But time heals. And, in 2017 time heals things a lot quicker, I believe, because you are not pouring fuel onto your flames.

You are an intellectual and thrive on mental and physical stimulation. You are also an athlete so don't forget to exercize! Also, you will be forever trying to calm your mental state.

You doubt yourself and you worry too much; but you are a leader. Note that not all people can lead a group and you can. Feel good about it; it requires a grace that comes over time.

You are highly emotional and sensitive, don't lash out if you can help it. You ALWAYS regret it.

Some people will loathe you and even hate you at times. You will forever be dealing with this emotional consequence of your person, your humanity.

As they say, patience is a virtue that doesn't come easily to you. It helps to tell yourself "patience". It calms you down.

Doing TOO much makes you miserable. Less is more, you will understand this better and better; because you certainly can't do all the things you want to; because you want to do so many different things.

photo: Todd V Wolfson

I cry to strangers that enter the garden

Hello New York! I really haven't missed you and I find myself wishing for a vast natural landscape; but then how would I feel differently anyway? I've earned this opportunity; a mantra my dear and oldest friend gave me.

I pray that the city doesn't feed me it's dark energy as it has in the past, and I look desperately for the goodness in the smelly summer August in the big apple.

I find some. I find a lot! I find it in the people. The amazing New Yorkers - man they don't disappoint.  In a fragile state, after my garden meeting with the curator I immediately go to a gay & Lesbian AA meeting at the Betty Ford Clinic; Hazelton; which is located near the garden I'm installing my glass work in. I mean isn't this THE HAZELTON!? How many addicts have passed through these doors on the verge of death; to recover and enjoy life again. 

It is a very small meeting but I cried about my womanhood, my lying cheating boyfriend that I've recently dumped ::: (I was the last to know Paul said) and I talk about why I stayed - though much felt wrong, so much felt right too. I mean I'm guessing a good 6 months of cheats; and betrayal feels raw, mean and selfish. 

I look back now and see some signs;  but you know I'm a busy girl. I stay up late writing proposals, art grants and play many shows. I am ambitious and I have goals. My recent partner is a playboy; which is what I loved about him. I usually date really serious arty types; intellectuals; and geniuses. But Jeffrey was Good times; and he enjoyed nature more than the others; it got me out of my head. A balance is nice, though.

The city feeds me a few Angels::the tiny tiny girl lesbian in the AA meeting that is mixed race- a dike; she hugs me like her sister and I lean down so akwardly low to squeeze her as she explains how this too has happened to her and she got through it. And how the shame I feel is not my own and I need to let it go.

Today's dog trainer! Passing by the garden, I see him with several dogs /// I LOVE DOGS And already desperately miss mine. I ask him about his job and his background-- he is also mixed race maybe Mexican and Asian, and young, and he has met Cesar Milan. He is a natural at training but wants to be a vet.

He gives me some tips and I realize my dog Goose  has anxiety and I didn't realize it. He follows me incessantly around the house. This is anxiety the trainer says. I will work on it. That was today,,,,

But then there was last night. I haven't been sleeping or eating; stomach in knots but I already wasn't sleeping good for 2 weeks since the ex was away with his other girlfriend but I thought he was with so and so; and I hope my mom isn't reading this.

I dreamed my ex husband who I still adore but whom is not talking to me; I dreamed he had a new hot young girlfriend - he is 10yrs my senior) and that they had a kid together; and that he adopted her other 3 children. I watched them eat at a park table somewhere in my universe and I cried because I desperately want him to have what he wants.

So at the garden; today I'm wondering if this is going to ruin my hard earned experience here; 2 years in the making; and the only reason my heartbreak isn't killing it is I give myself license to cry to strangers in the garden. 

2 girls come through location scouting for a video; we get to talking they are both at NYU and born and raised New Yorkers...they talk about burning man and one tells me I would love her parents. Dad's a musician and moms an artist. Though her parents are much older than me (57) apparently they are more to my liking than the young girls to hang out with and I probably agree. 

I tell them about my lying cheating boyfriend and they tell me that's what the video is about; I didn't full on cry but it was in my eyes.

I didn't cry and yell until a shitty "human sexuality" major came through and asked me some gross questions about spooging; if I was single and what I thought over and over was disgusting or not. I starting crying and said leave me alone and the shitbag tried to give me a hug; and said he was sorry but still wouldn't stop asking questions about my human sexuality until I started yelling get the fuck out of here. I have the keys to the park; but still don't lock myself in. 

As we speak I'm at the whole foods in NoHo; the one near where another xboyfriend lives:  and he dumped me too (I hang on maybe too long; it's an attachment disorder from childhood); he also lied to me about another woman in his life; way back 2 yrs ago when I was considering moving here. Two trips ago I was in his hood obsessing of where he is and would I run into him? It was sickening how hurt and  mixed up I was at the time but I could care less if he walks through the door now; I'll see him Sunday were playing Sax together at my opening. 

I got over it. 

Reading Viv Albertines Book at the WFoods::: Clothes Clothes Clothes Music Music Music Boys Boys Boys.

Art of activism, rebellion, and the difficult approach towards change

Searching for something to believe in? I am.

In this search for something to get me through this next quarter of life I've been reading. I mean, it's time for phase two. Or I might be in phase three?

I cried myself to sleep last night reading chapter two of Courtney Martin's book "do it anyway"- the new generation of activists. I believe I've already mentioned my exciting discovery of her on this blog. 

"Homeboy Industries" is a cutting edge gang rehab in LA that is run by Raul Diaz - also from the barrio of Boyle Heights, which is one of LA's most dangerous Gangbanger zones. He is an activist and a healer. To say he changes lives... I mean wow.

The work he does from his heart is incredible. It's not the first I'd heard of Raul and Homeboy Industries. They were viewed I believe on one of my favorite podcasts, On Being: listen here and your heart will pull:   I believe I cried then too! 

We don't have a south central LA in Sweet little Austin, Tx, but we do have gangs, and my ex husband (a recovered junkie)  worked at a youth treatment facility for many years counseling addicted youth. He would tell me stories..."this one kid couldn't follow the rules and had to get taken away in shackles....he's on his way to Gardner Bettes." Which is juvenilne prison. Heartbreaking. We all mourned for those guys. They couldn't get honest or just couldn't....

When one rebels and can't follow the rules, that is activism, or more rebellion. Who is it they're rebelling against? If rebelling against those who are trying to help you (my ex) for example, as kind and generous chemical dependency counsellor, then from my viewpoint you cannot see the light and are acting in ego. 

This is obviously not helpful to oneself, though I can see why one would believe they are rebelling against the system. 

I think back to my first act of rebellion. I grew up in a physically abusive house. I was the middle so I had both mom and sister beating on me consistently. I'll never forget-- the day my sister was terrorizing me. She had me pinned in the corner of the closet. I guess I had enough because I punched her so hard in the stomach that she ran off crying. I'll never forget that. I must have been 12 or so. That was the end of that.

My sister, before she died, had changed her path. All that anger? She went to therapy, read philosophy, did yoga, was an activist herself and a protester. In essence, she saw the light and opened the doors for me too. I saw her change her thinking and we stopped arguing so much and at the end, had a wonderful loving relationship. 

All this is to say that I'm diving into my activism. What am I passionate about? (art, always art and music, always music.) I'm watching the documentary on Ai WeiWei- the Chinese activist and artist. His personality is charged- he is very open against Chinese government, and it could have great consequences. It has had great consequences. Many of his contemporaries have been imprisoned- it is not fun and games. Check out his Twitter and blog. He's a genius. 

He is very political. Am I? Dunno! Not really. I mean I'm not terribly outspoken. 

I do feel strongly about starting in my house - my family of origin. My first rebellion? Fighting back. My second? Maybe quitting drinking and using. Emotions had imploded on me and I had abused myself endlessly. A conscious act for me, everyday to stop poisoning myself. My third activist act? Leaving a stable and loving husband for a more open and free emotional existence. That's complicated, and I've over simplified it here. I still love him. 

So- I don't know where my art and activism is going, but it's moving towards art, creative thought, music, dance.  My performance art piece for the city with Rachel Weiss is coming together. More on that as it unfolds! It will be intense I think. We are at a crossroads with it. 

And I feel strongly about the glass installation I've presented for the Garden Committee in Manhattan. PLZZZZZZZZZZ angels. 

Until then, I'll be reading, studying, writing, and dancing. And having fun - by being a bohemian. 

Another act (maybe my best and most important act) of rebellion. 

artists and addicts may you rejoice.

Degenerate? Nah. Cliche? Neh.

If you fall into one of my two FAVORITE types of people: Artist or Addict, this post is for you! If you've been struggling with your self-worth, your obsessive thinking, your bad decision-making:: If you've been wondering how you're going to deal with societal pressure; the norm of what is "right and good, what is, in full, NORMAL" to most -- then........... carry on with your struggle.

LOL.

I only have a few things that I can say to you to make you feel better. And that is, I appreciate you! I don't think you should go get a 9-5 job. Don't do it. Fuck that. I won't do it, why should you? Continue to be hard-headed, strong willed, emotive, vocal, outspoken. Go ahead and make bad decisions until you make some good ones. Live your crazy LIFE! I support that. More importantly, I find it very interesting.

I was thinking on the nightly walk with the dogs in my hood:: My favorite people are artists, musicians, or recovering addicts.

They seem to be the ones that can talk openly, discuss their feelings with truth, know what's inside and reach for it : most importantly: express it with some fluency.

Artists draw from their emotions and feeling to create art: DUH. What do recovering addicts have to offer?

A LOT. They have had to 1. realize that there are heavy emotions there instead of mask them with drugs & alc 2. get to the pit of the craphole and dig it out. 3. Talk to someone about it the malaise and get constant feedback about thoughts and actions.

In essence, if you've recovered from the dis-ease that is alcohol or drug abuse, and you've managed to put some clean time together; to get to know yourself: CONGRATULATIONS! You're not only a better person to humanity you are one of my {favorite 2 types} of people.

You are some of the smartest, most kind, sensitive, loving and most gifted people. Yeah sometimes you spout some program crap instead of talk with your heart. Sometimes you are overly "programmed", yes you have baggage:: but you are wonderful.

Is it SO OBVIOUS that I'm giving myself a pep talk here?

I'm NOT! I'm OK, You - OK.

This love is for you. Yes I am in recovery. I am an artist, so I know what the hell I'm talking about. I LOVE YOUR Pizzazz, your Panache!

And now you know.

just because just because just because

"Just Because"

Well, well, well,
Just because you think you're so pretty,
And just because your momma thinks you're hot,
Well, just because you think you've got something
That no other girl has got,

You've caused me to spend all my money.
You laughed and called me old Santa Claus.
Well, I'm telling you,
Baby, I'm through with you.
Because, well well, just because.

http://youtu.be/pza0XsTaCTg

Elvis: Just Because. I have always loved this song. My first band Deep Sombreros used to cover it. Peter took the country out of it and made it more jump blues. Ian and I took solos. Always fun. 

Just because, just because just because popped into my head while painting. Why? I don't know that shit just happens sometimes. I listened to the lyrics. Do they have something to say to me? 

Just because I went to a knitting circle at 10 am this morning and chatted with all older women who have been around the block and are wise,  and who seem to be very nurturing and sweet: and above all, can show me how to knit like they can knit: reading patterns, isle knitting, expanding my patience to more complex patterns. So rad. It's time. 

Just because I have been looking at myself through a healing lens so that I might be better 

Just because I'm an artist.  Just because I'm an entertainer who doesn't make a lot of money, but who has great ideas and can execute....

Just because my career has simultaneously never been more active and my daydreams never been more still....

Just because: A thing is just a thing not what someone thinks of that thing. BIRDMAN!

Just because this blog got almost 600 hits last month! LOL

Just because the Grant Brothers and I are reuniting for the first time since '2000 to form a new band and that 2nd rehearsal is tomorrow...

Just because this is my 6th self portrait and my internal critique has lessened...

Just because Just because just because 

I'm blogging more-- deal with it!

I was thinking about music and musicians -- again. 

I went to a healer today. He loves working with blocks in creativity and music. And though I'm "in the flow" I have been pretty negative lately. 

Here are my negative notes from the underground::

1. Please get better! You're 40 and still playing at the level that is lower than many elementary children? Practice more and dream less. 

2. If you are awesome, and know you're an amazing player, you're not fun to play with, you can't share the stage and you have an ego problem. Don't get near me!

3. It is hard for me and rough on my ego but my Dagger band: I promise to forever pass the tip jar around during and after the set- we made an extra $69 (yes how lovely) because I insisted on going around the club begging for $ & €. (I did cop out the second half and get Phil's girlfriend to do it but hell- it's the best I could do) Is $69 nickels and dimes? Yes! But that stack of cash is nice to give out to the band so they can go get tacos for breakfast-- and treat their boy/girlfriend.

4.The bar Manager loved my set quote, "that was pretty fucking awesome" so I gave him a cd and asked him to put it on the jukebox. I'm a million years old and I said jukebox! 

5. Instead of shouting out "be sure to tip your bartenders people" which for some reason annoys the shit out of me, I said how are those drinks Y'all?? Yell if you love Firehouse! I'm sure that equally annoying. But this bar DOES do specialty cocktails and they do work so hard on each drink....of which as usual I had zip not even a virgin piña colada. What's wrong with me?

6. It's not uncommon for me to avoid the bar all night long and not drink a single thing. I loath waiting around that bar it feels like a cattle call. 

7. It is true!!! I got off my scooter with sax axe on my back and bag of framed art AND props and the door guy (with a line of people to get in) said hello Ms. Dagger and let me cut on in. I totally felt like a rockstar.

8. Please God I want to tour Catalan again please please after Honk! NYC I will do anything!

9. The healer said I was Brave (in that I faced the music -- lol) in regards to my problems and I believed him.

10. He said genuine love had been given/passed to me and that could I feel it? I couldn't at the time. 

It was a free healing session. It was lovely, but hard work. Healers are very weird and like many therapists some are very whack in their own right. But these guys were really cool- and it's free Wed 6-9 and Sunday 2-5 at Casa De Luz. 

Go check it out. I'm blogging more so I can get my thoughts out and refine them.

Goodnight! 1:37am Sunday night

Ms. Dagger

Next show:: Minor Mishap at the Mohawk Downtown ATX