Self portrait number 7 of 10 :: and a venture into an artists life

I am in a nice and serene mood! I'm also very tired. I'm noting my progress/state of mind since the last self portrait. 

I am reading a biography on my favorite favorite painter::: Modigliani. I used to be obsessed with Scheile in undergrad, and Van Gogh. With them in mind I had painted with very thick paint and uneven strokes. I painted with some sexuality, and I like that those painters always were expressive. The thick paint was hard for me to control. 

It's strange to me that I adore portrait artists so much. I don't paint portraits well at all, I prefer life drawing.  Portraits are a huge challange. To get the look right, I don't know - there is no way to fake a portrait, to polish a turd. It is truly a challange. I also struggle with shades of grey and lighting.

I'm happy with tonight's self portrait. It was quick, which I love since I'm tired. It also looks like me. 

I'm in the early life of the Modigliani bio. His family was very rich in the mining business, but they lost everything- they had "sold" their daughters in the form of doweries, and when they could not pay up they lost all their possessions and house to their inlaws! 

I didn't know Modigliani was Jewish, and I didn't realize he was Italian, though he spent most his adult life in Paris. He was also an alcoholic with Tuberculosis and died very young at age 35. 

What a huge body of work he left! His pregnant girlfriend committed suicide upon his death, leaving their 2 yr old daughter behind. No one is sure why she felt compelled to do this. He had several illegitimate children as well. 

I am about ready to go back to art school for a masters. I don't know when and where and I don't know how. I'm hoping its in Paris or Italy! But most likely somewhere I can afford. I'm terrified that I will not measure up. I distinctly remember in art school watching amazing painters paint with what seemed like ease - these were my friends! It's not only the painting technique that is essential (I had none) but the subject matter as well. And drive!! And discipline! I had the desire, that's about it. It was not until I discovered Lithography that I felt I could be more abstract and let the chemicals do some of my work for me. The reduction process helped me make interesting editions. I struggled with the chemistry:/( and I never got the plates to do what I wanted.  It was an adventure. I wish I could share some of those lithos here but they are rolled up. My work when I lived in Mexico was some of the best- go figure. I still take Litho classes at ACC on occasion. 

I found a 5' woodcut that I did - I copied a Modigliani painting, carved the wood, and printed it up at University of Texas .

She's pretty cute this is just a close up. She's rolled up in my office. She might make her debut over the couch. With or without a frame! She's about 8 yrs old now...I have about 3 of them. I printed about 8 at the time.

See! The cockamamie eyes! I am not alone. 

Seriously today- who gives a shit!?

Today. Who gives a shit!? I am tired of being tired and unmotivated.

This portrait flew out in about 20 mins, after a beautiful messenger communicae with Fernanda via Sao Paolo. 

She was a comfort and a muse: and discussed her desire to move to Berlin and work for a time. 

F and I met in New York last Feb. via Andre- Andre I met on the Internet through music. He came to Austin and we shot my first solo record cover together, for "Femmie Auteur" in 2009. He shoots incredible black and white photography, and they are both about 10 years younger than me. 

When I was in NY for a month Andre connected us- me and Fernanda. She was there doing a job for 6 months in Branding. I still don't know exactly what she does, but she is a brainiac. 

Andre is right. Her and I are kindred spirits. I am not a brainiac. I am a bohemian. But I love working too: on art and music. I love studying too: music and art. 

Fernanda lifted my spirits talking about coming here for SXSW 2015. She said I could follow her to Berlin. I want to sing Cabaret, I will find a gig. Dreaming is all that it should be. I see about 3 months there, 4 - 6 if I want to learn to speak German.

Prior to the late night chat with Fernanda I was bargaining. I wanted my old boyfriend back. I wanted to move to NY despite the lack of trees. I wanted to play in the difficult Marching Band and I was thinking ¿what if I had a kid.?

Those thoughts flew out the window when the dreams of Fernanda's Berlin flew in. 

And now the old ideas seem - eh - a couple miles away. 

My job is to study music and work on my graphics jobs and not sit on them too long so I can stay in the $$ flow. 

If I can make it here I'll make it anywhere. 

-dreaming

-feeling humbled

-cleaning my house

-eating better today

-less crying than yesterday

-amazing and talented friends

-a long, quiet evening 

-too much facebook

-time for bed

Goodnight dreamers.

http://www.andrepeniche.com

There are a whole lot more Andre photos! But I'm going to bed.

Practicing Patience::: zzzzzzzz boring.

Last night I went on a late night bike ride. I put on my favorite mash-up Fela Soul https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PDg8YyFzMw it was lovely. I had had a hard day, my emotions have been all over the map.

I've been telling myself that I'm less than, I've been doing a lot of "Compare and Despair" LOL. That says it all. It's not a race, this life. My triggers are my career (music mainly but art too) two very difficult paths.

Which brings me to my thought today about myself. I am very impatient. I'm the one with road rage cause I'm always in a hurry. (For that I work from home and drive as little as possible) I think sitting in traffic is such a waste of time and my brain starts to short circuit....

I also have no patience when it comes to the timeline of my dreams of successes. I want it all now and even if it's coming, it takes so long to get here that it's already not enough. I look at people and wonder how they get their ideas for the amazing things that they do.

I want to do amazing things! I want to be a part of a community of amazing happenings! My fellow creative calls this "FOMO" or Fear of Missing Out. Apparently I'm not alone if there is a new english acronym for it! LOL.

Bike riding last night was WONDERFUL! It's too hot here right now to ride during the day. I focused on focusing on the road.

I had a song idea this morning and I'm just thinking about how to settle into this patience that I desire. In the meantime, I temper my thoughts. I take Chinese Herbs (they work I think!) get acupuncture, and try to be me.

I have another idea: I am going to do a portrait series of wonderful women: They're nudes. I would take commissions, but if you know of an amazing woman artist, musician, activist, or local celeb I'll take suggestions. I have the first model: Datri Bean, my amazing and talented band leader in Minor Mishap. She'll have a rose in her hair, and hold her kitty.

Happy Saturday.