Erodica:: The Video Is OUT! Featuring Raindogg and DD Dagger

For the Erodica video (pronounced ERODE-ICA) Brooklyn Producer and Editor Raindogg takes us on a retrospective of the coolest Punk Rock spots in NYC in the 90's, eroding their hipster vibe back to reveal what it was, what it used to be: dirty, gritty, and abused. Spot Tompkins Square Park, CBGB's, ABC No Rio, the Physical Graffiti Building, Bleecker Street, 42nd Street and St. Marks. While Raindogg was just ”Waiting on a Friend" he found her, DD Dagger.

Painting A Day ::: The love of doing, versus the love of producing and the residency in my mind

Hi Art Angels!

I'm at a very interesting juncture in my life...This TERRIBLY interesting interview with Maria Popova (a genius philosopher at 30) on On Being had me in tears over I don't know what-- some deep rooted psychic issue. She just has these amazing quips about culture...stuff I think or don't think about, but that concerns me. Her Blog: I'm only sorry I haven't gotten to it sooner: Brain Pickings.

I have just come back from a self imposed workation / residency in NYC whereby I went to connect with artists, make a video, I did some sexy photos with my bestie there Actor Emily Ben, and Photog Ed Verosky and generally just soak up the culture.

I spent a lot of money! On just getting around, even though Raindogg let me couch crash for 2 weeks in his daughter's bed:)

I went to the Ballet, I went shopping at my favorite thrift in Hell's Kitchen, I went out, I spent WAAY too much time inside painting, Cause I'm in the middle of a Painting a Day Fundraiser.  I did Bikrim a lot!

I met some interesting Crown Heights Real Estate investors who took me and Emily out to very very expensive Fusion meal; and I had some of the most stimulating conversation there I've had in a very long while. Mostly cause I met Eric at that table, who gave me a short history of his rags to riches story with a hilarious delivery:: He grew up in the projects of Brooklyn, and now he's a millionaire, or some such:: more importantly, he fed me a dose of his wisdom. Frank, "my date" from Trinidad was also interesting, but he fed me, just not much wisdom. He wanted to get into my pants.

...We just danced and held hands for a second. That's about what I could handle. But I have made a couple of friends that I hope will inspire me, the same way Maria Popova does. Eric is JUST AS BRILLIANT >>> I have suggested he write a book.

Without going into too much of what he said, (he drove Emily NUTS she was like Stahhhhhp talking) I wish I had taped all of it, here are a few quips:

-He does a Brain Fast, I don't know how often:::: No negative thoughts or people for 45 days. If he has good friends or people he loves he does NOT talk to them.

-He says the worse type of negativity are the "subtle down on you thinkers"

-He has never listened to a phone message in 15 years

-He says "It's da Truf"

-and, "Everyone's an expert, even if they ain't shit"

-Most importantly, he says no matter how ugly it is, "Never, ever lie to yourself".

That night Eric and Emily went on their way and Frank and I went salsa dancing an local club in Williamsburg. It was SO PACKED there was no salsa dancing that was really possible, and I was really looking forward to dancing :( We stayed for an hour and I asked to go. I realized that I don't think New York is for me, only in doses. I thought to myself, How is this fun? Too many people crammed in seriously like sardines. The DJ's were talented though, and there were some live African drummers - but they never really cooked.

I'm still considering applying to go back to school there- but New Orleans is just as good of an option to me. Or I might not school myself any further.

Popova got me to thinking: because part of her thing she talks about in the interview is actual productivity versus producing. She claims (my words) that as a creative thinker, most of her time spent is listening to podcasts, reading, writing, musing:: Everything I love to DO! But, instead of a philosopher blogger girl, I call myself a bohemian. I like to read, write in my journal, paint and study music and do yoga. In a way I'm a big CLICHÉ!

I constantly struggle with the guilty notion that I'm not good enough, don't produce enough, am not popular enough, am lazy, etc. I want to be free of that, because many people around me tell me I'm inspiring and very productive. Unless every moment is spent, I often feel less than. In essence, I'm a typical neurotic Jew.

I'm trying to retrain my brain. Because I want to rebel against this so hard that my fists are pumping.

My Painting a Day paintings are selling quickly! On a happy note:: I will make my fundraiser goals easily for Sacred Space and maybe have some left over. I am thrilled. Plus, mostly the paintings are good, meaning I like them.

Today's Painting a Day 

The Very Brilliant Eric from Brooklyn in mid sentence, a rich real estate investor.

A crappy Mural in NoHO

My generous host and collaborator, the producer/director/editor Raindogg

The day of my shoot : a selfie

Those burnt out buildings in The Village- where that guy was stealing gas and the buildings exploded

Forgive me blogger, it's been 1 month since my last confession

And guess what!!!?

I've emerged out of my state of denial into another state! Fear of my Bari, fear of my sax. I was noodling around on my very entertaining little Bb Clarinet, a Penzel Muellar Artist, when I realized I could blow out Klezmer solos, bend all the notes, and sound like the Jew I am + Gypsy.

The way you can bend notes on a clarinet is obviously why it is commonly the first choice in Klezmer tunes. I've been studying to my favorite Klezmer band of all time : The New Orleans Klezmer All Stars. 

That Clarinet player is BOSS. (ON Manichalfwitz) my favorite record. What he can do on that clarinet I've rarely heard. Anyway, at our last Minor Mishap practice I brought the clarinet to play around, and to get a real clarinet play to assess its tone. Well, no clarinet players showed up that day.

...A clarinet solo was coming:: in our song Marigny, so I snuck over, got it, to to my surprise I blew out a little solo that sounded Jewish. And no one was expecting it.

Later, Datri called me on another solo - on the Bari - in another harmonic minor song - and I could NOT bend the notes, I could NOT sound so much like a Klezmer. I was hurt.

The Bari does not want to be something it is not. It wants to be a grandpa, a husky low end. The notes are far apart on it for my littleish hands, I can't move them that quickly for all the years I've studied sax, and the upper register left hand keys sound like crap. I can't stay in tune.

Alto, I love you. I think that you are cute, little alto, as you sit on your stand - so easy to hold, so easy to grab.

You Bari, you take more effort. More effort to hold, more effort to blow and manipulate. But you demand attention, and you get it. I thank you for that.

I need to figure this out...is it simply a matter of skill? Personality? Determination?

While in my first year of playing the bari, about 4 years ago, people used to ask, Is it SO HARD? I always said, NaH! It's like butter! I was cocky. I was in denial. I've hit a glass ceiling and I'm going to have to rehearse my way through it.

It could be fun. But most likely...

....Sigh....

This post has nothing to do with MUSIC! and all to do with The Dom next door

Well she's not next door:: she's around lets just say. My fun-loving Dominatrix! Tonight, on this special night, I got to see her in action! Her house, OPEN, and full of chains and stuff! Her cabinets, with sex toys! Her stilettos casually, tossed about, and lube bottle(s) strewn. She has a slave, one that "gets off" on doing chores or whatever the Dom says. It's not sex, it's chores. THEY LOVE IT. Slap Slap do this do that! Look at me ! LOL It's so foreign to me, to be dominant in that way. And to imagine that it's someone's fantasy is wow.

Here's how I am dominant: zzzz I know boring. I'll get back to her in a second :-->>>>

- I lead a band, and it is MY project so I"m the boss, in the end. Though I try to take into consideration feelings, blah blah zzzzz I lead.
-i own my own business and don't take orders from many. I can't stand managers, but clients I love.
-I can be pretty bossy when I feel comfortable, but I don't hardly know how to ask someone to do something for me, or more to the point why anyone would help! I shrink at the thought that someone would spend time just HELPING ME. Regardless, people do come over and help me around the house (like Laurie -- thank you. she showed me how to Tile my kitchen) and I'm grateful. But, my main frame of mind is REALLY? Million Thanks! I"m always surprised. AND I rarely ask for help. I have to be pretty desperate.

Back to my girl! She is teaching me a lot about myself in reference to dominance and submissive roles and personalities. I've become more conscious of the types of people I have been dating, how I treat people and how they treat me, and the friends I choose...and... I ask her advice. Not cause she's a Dom, but because she's a good listener and gives good advice. She's very level-headed.

But mainly i'm currently interested in the psychology: Dominant and Submissive. Before my marriage ended, I read "The Erotic Mind"  A book recommended to me by my bff therapist. It was very fascinating, and reading that book it made me realize that I lacked a fantasy life!!!! I had none. Oh trust me I live in fantasy land...but it's more of in a spaced-out stoner way via arrested development.

Here's my favorite description of that book: The Erotic Mind is a breakthrough exploration of the least understood dimensions of human sexuality—the psychology of desire, arousal, and fulfillment. 

Back to the DOM! what part of the brain makes you want to be a slave to someone? I'm fascinated.

Also, more to my point, why do some people have great chemistry and others don't? THERE IS SOMETHING GOING ON. It's not just all "pheromones". It's how someone treats you, how they touch and interact with you. How they make you feel and how you make them feel, their backgrounds...etc.

But there is a part of the brain that controls all of this and it is really mysterious. Because people are mysterious. And varied, SO VERY VARIED> Everyone is so different. It really is exciting in a way: the brain.

I think the Dom has said it over and over that everyone is slightly different. I think it's her job to be confidant that she can deliver what they like. I'm not sure, but maybe it's not all that different from people's various taste in music, or art.

Anyway, back to me and my woes: I got friend-zoned today. Yes we had chemistry. We weren't boyfriends so it's not really a big deal. But, it was over before it started. And I knew it wasn't forever. So I can't be too overwhelmed. I'm a bit underwhelmed, actually. But I shed a tear anyway. I shed a tear for all that wasted chemistry. I know it can't sustain anything for too long. But I don't take it for granted, either.

Just like I'm not going to take for granted anything, really. I'm going to continue to live, let live, and learn from the DOM. !!!

I feel really selfish!!! The syndrome that centers in the Brain

Why isn't the garbage man picking up my trash? I swear to God if they miss this week again I'm going to freak. I feel the same way about my emotions these days. I missed therapy this week because I wanted to take the Brazilians that are staying with me to Mexico, the border town of Piedras Negras.

We had a blast - they are fun-loving amazing people- and I bought some beautiful brown boots that would cost $300 at Alan's Boots...but I'm suffering a bit, not sure why. I've been skipping my writing too! I'm going to my sax lesson in a few minutos and that centers me.

When I'm feeling selfish, hurt or confused I try and turn it around. I try to think, how can I think about your feelings instead of my own? How can I be of considerate of what you're going through? That might be compassionate but I have to think of my feelings too. I have to be careful about who I get close to. 

I usually walk around with a genuine smile, love of people, and pleasure for life but I'm terribly sensitive! I think too much and I think I have an anxiety problem. Maybe you wouldn't know this about me if you don't know me well because I don't show you! Lol but I'll write about it publicly. See how that works?

Because I am a "stuffer" of difficult emotions I've developed this disorder that I just learned about a couple of years ago. It's called Tension myositis syndrome.  I found out about it through my photographer friend and collaborator, Mark Zell. His wife has it. She came to my SXSW show. We discussed the syndrome, lol. It was nice.

So Sarno is a psychotherapist that characterized this condition: I'll describe it as a psychological pain disorder. It centers in the brain. It is TOTALLY a mind fuck and I don't think it's real, but it's real nevertheless. It is real because it gives me debilitating back pain, which is also information to me that somethings wrong with my life. In other words I have garbage to take out. WhOA.

It was made famous by Howard Stern. Watch the video:::  Is it any wonder the Jews are heading up the promo on this??  LOL Stern, Larry David.

The brain is a major wonder. I have a lot of questions for my own brain. I would like to hit these questions up in a future post.

OH guess what? The trash man just came by. FULL CAN done. Out, over with. Until next week's full can of trash....

Art of activism, rebellion, and the difficult approach towards change

Searching for something to believe in? I am.

In this search for something to get me through this next quarter of life I've been reading. I mean, it's time for phase two. Or I might be in phase three?

I cried myself to sleep last night reading chapter two of Courtney Martin's book "do it anyway"- the new generation of activists. I believe I've already mentioned my exciting discovery of her on this blog. 

"Homeboy Industries" is a cutting edge gang rehab in LA that is run by Raul Diaz - also from the barrio of Boyle Heights, which is one of LA's most dangerous Gangbanger zones. He is an activist and a healer. To say he changes lives... I mean wow.

The work he does from his heart is incredible. It's not the first I'd heard of Raul and Homeboy Industries. They were viewed I believe on one of my favorite podcasts, On Being: listen here and your heart will pull:   I believe I cried then too! 

We don't have a south central LA in Sweet little Austin, Tx, but we do have gangs, and my ex husband (a recovered junkie)  worked at a youth treatment facility for many years counseling addicted youth. He would tell me stories..."this one kid couldn't follow the rules and had to get taken away in shackles....he's on his way to Gardner Bettes." Which is juvenilne prison. Heartbreaking. We all mourned for those guys. They couldn't get honest or just couldn't....

When one rebels and can't follow the rules, that is activism, or more rebellion. Who is it they're rebelling against? If rebelling against those who are trying to help you (my ex) for example, as kind and generous chemical dependency counsellor, then from my viewpoint you cannot see the light and are acting in ego. 

This is obviously not helpful to oneself, though I can see why one would believe they are rebelling against the system. 

I think back to my first act of rebellion. I grew up in a physically abusive house. I was the middle so I had both mom and sister beating on me consistently. I'll never forget-- the day my sister was terrorizing me. She had me pinned in the corner of the closet. I guess I had enough because I punched her so hard in the stomach that she ran off crying. I'll never forget that. I must have been 12 or so. That was the end of that.

My sister, before she died, had changed her path. All that anger? She went to therapy, read philosophy, did yoga, was an activist herself and a protester. In essence, she saw the light and opened the doors for me too. I saw her change her thinking and we stopped arguing so much and at the end, had a wonderful loving relationship. 

All this is to say that I'm diving into my activism. What am I passionate about? (art, always art and music, always music.) I'm watching the documentary on Ai WeiWei- the Chinese activist and artist. His personality is charged- he is very open against Chinese government, and it could have great consequences. It has had great consequences. Many of his contemporaries have been imprisoned- it is not fun and games. Check out his Twitter and blog. He's a genius. 

He is very political. Am I? Dunno! Not really. I mean I'm not terribly outspoken. 

I do feel strongly about starting in my house - my family of origin. My first rebellion? Fighting back. My second? Maybe quitting drinking and using. Emotions had imploded on me and I had abused myself endlessly. A conscious act for me, everyday to stop poisoning myself. My third activist act? Leaving a stable and loving husband for a more open and free emotional existence. That's complicated, and I've over simplified it here. I still love him. 

So- I don't know where my art and activism is going, but it's moving towards art, creative thought, music, dance.  My performance art piece for the city with Rachel Weiss is coming together. More on that as it unfolds! It will be intense I think. We are at a crossroads with it. 

And I feel strongly about the glass installation I've presented for the Garden Committee in Manhattan. PLZZZZZZZZZZ angels. 

Until then, I'll be reading, studying, writing, and dancing. And having fun - by being a bohemian. 

Another act (maybe my best and most important act) of rebellion. 

How to: survival of the fittest in a 25 piece brass band

It is Fat Tuesday! Happy Mardi Gras from the Big Easy. This city does not sleep, and I can't find anything green in the French Quarter, the Marigny, or the Bywater!

And I have stopped eating I think. For now.

I have come back to the crib for a big green drink that I have made myself, and some quiet time. Luckily, I have run into Master Matt Hubbard, and I'm going to see his band tonight at the Three Muses. He is in a trio and the main guy plays Vibes. I'm stoked that there is more amazing music in my future; but for now I had to get off Bourbon Street. I was 2nd Lining with Panorama Jazz band but I had to call it off after a couple of hours. 

I don't drink, and since I have stopped drinking my system has become way more sensitive. And, maybe I have a couple of extra health concerns but mostly I have ants in my pants. 

I can't stay too long at any one place! I would rather walk/bike 3 miles back home to make a green kale drink and read my book and play clarinet for awhile. 

God bless is a nap in my future? Anyway, the rest of my band mates are still reveling out there in the masses and masses of people. 

My sax is out of whack - it always is at this juncture, it is a big baritone and inevitably gets knocked around. 

The other morning I woke at 5:30, marched for 3 or so hours in the Eris Parade, and then another 5 hours in the Thoth Parade. I was almost ill. I collapsed in the bed in a coma, while the energizer bunny known as Jeff Luna who was my comrade the entire journey drove across town to pick up my truck uptown. 

How??? Where does the fuel come from? Then, after an hour nap we met up with all at the country club (in past years all nude) for a much needed soak and a steam. It was glorious! Except it's not nude anymore. LAME.

One thing is I have really allowed myself to revel in the joy that people experience During Carnival. Yes, many are wasted and that can illicit anger within me in excesses. But this year I have danced more, costumed more, played the hell out of my horn for days on end and soaked up the amazing musicianship that exists here. I will come home tomorrow charged with chords, arpeggios, and a new desire to better my playing. 

Happy Mardi Gras wherever you are.