The art of listening, synchronicity, and looking for answers within the context of collaboration and vision

Some know that my buddy Rachel Weiss and I wrote a grant for the City of Austin this year and got funded to do a performance project. 


Rachel came up with the brilliant idea of "Sacred Space"  -- so right up my alley. Because she was in Italy at the time of the deadline on an intensive teaching acting to kids, I wrote the grant. 

Sacred Space was inspired in Rachel from the notion that art in the Renaissance was housed in Sacred Spaces, and thus art and artists were deemed as sacred beings as well. That's all I remember her saying! Without referencing old emails...

In short, art is not viewed as sacred anymore as modern art has been removed largely from sacred spaces and has been totally secularized. 

That's about what we had to go on. I wrote the grant with the idea that I would like to combine my love of street art and and the surprise that goes along with that, as well as writing music for dance, which has always been my passion. Those two things were important to me. Also important to me: Rachel is a brilliant and intuitive dancer as well as Actor, Producer and Director. 

We are completely co-collaborating on this; and we are riding the wave of ideas, shapes, forms and techniques that can combine both of our visions into one. 

So it is incredible that I have found precedence! I happened upon this podcast from On Being: my favorite podcast that discusses spiritual matters with great thinkers in the area of Science, Art, Religion, and Academia. 

The podcast showcases two incredible thinkers: Courtney Martin and Parker Palmer. The podcast was on "The Inner Life of Rebellion" LOVE IT> 

I almost dropped the dishes I was doing when Parker said this: "...One thing our community is most deficient in, is safe spaces for truth telling about the condition of our souls. (or identity or integrity). 

He was talking about Secular Sacred Spaces! (while referencing his book) BOOYAH! He was talking about expression, connection, truth telling, and the human condition. 

Precisely what we are doing with Art, Music Dance, wound up all into one public art instillation and performance. 

I want to identify more what we are doing with this piece in a future post, when it's more flushed out. 

In the interim, I'm going to read and then contact Mr. Palmer and have a quick convo with him. Wouldn't that be lovely? My dream! I'm also going to read Courtney's BooK: Do It Anyway. Which states: If you care about social change but hate feel-good platitudes, Do It Anyway is the book for you. 

Perfect. Rebellion, the art of space, feminism, activism and social change within the context of Art and Performance. 

Something to live for. 

artists and addicts may you rejoice.

Degenerate? Nah. Cliche? Neh.

If you fall into one of my two FAVORITE types of people: Artist or Addict, this post is for you! If you've been struggling with your self-worth, your obsessive thinking, your bad decision-making:: If you've been wondering how you're going to deal with societal pressure; the norm of what is "right and good, what is, in full, NORMAL" to most -- then........... carry on with your struggle.

LOL.

I only have a few things that I can say to you to make you feel better. And that is, I appreciate you! I don't think you should go get a 9-5 job. Don't do it. Fuck that. I won't do it, why should you? Continue to be hard-headed, strong willed, emotive, vocal, outspoken. Go ahead and make bad decisions until you make some good ones. Live your crazy LIFE! I support that. More importantly, I find it very interesting.

I was thinking on the nightly walk with the dogs in my hood:: My favorite people are artists, musicians, or recovering addicts.

They seem to be the ones that can talk openly, discuss their feelings with truth, know what's inside and reach for it : most importantly: express it with some fluency.

Artists draw from their emotions and feeling to create art: DUH. What do recovering addicts have to offer?

A LOT. They have had to 1. realize that there are heavy emotions there instead of mask them with drugs & alc 2. get to the pit of the craphole and dig it out. 3. Talk to someone about it the malaise and get constant feedback about thoughts and actions.

In essence, if you've recovered from the dis-ease that is alcohol or drug abuse, and you've managed to put some clean time together; to get to know yourself: CONGRATULATIONS! You're not only a better person to humanity you are one of my {favorite 2 types} of people.

You are some of the smartest, most kind, sensitive, loving and most gifted people. Yeah sometimes you spout some program crap instead of talk with your heart. Sometimes you are overly "programmed", yes you have baggage:: but you are wonderful.

Is it SO OBVIOUS that I'm giving myself a pep talk here?

I'm NOT! I'm OK, You - OK.

This love is for you. Yes I am in recovery. I am an artist, so I know what the hell I'm talking about. I LOVE YOUR Pizzazz, your Panache!

And now you know.

Self portrait number 7 of 10 :: and a venture into an artists life

I am in a nice and serene mood! I'm also very tired. I'm noting my progress/state of mind since the last self portrait. 

I am reading a biography on my favorite favorite painter::: Modigliani. I used to be obsessed with Scheile in undergrad, and Van Gogh. With them in mind I had painted with very thick paint and uneven strokes. I painted with some sexuality, and I like that those painters always were expressive. The thick paint was hard for me to control. 

It's strange to me that I adore portrait artists so much. I don't paint portraits well at all, I prefer life drawing.  Portraits are a huge challange. To get the look right, I don't know - there is no way to fake a portrait, to polish a turd. It is truly a challange. I also struggle with shades of grey and lighting.

I'm happy with tonight's self portrait. It was quick, which I love since I'm tired. It also looks like me. 

I'm in the early life of the Modigliani bio. His family was very rich in the mining business, but they lost everything- they had "sold" their daughters in the form of doweries, and when they could not pay up they lost all their possessions and house to their inlaws! 

I didn't know Modigliani was Jewish, and I didn't realize he was Italian, though he spent most his adult life in Paris. He was also an alcoholic with Tuberculosis and died very young at age 35. 

What a huge body of work he left! His pregnant girlfriend committed suicide upon his death, leaving their 2 yr old daughter behind. No one is sure why she felt compelled to do this. He had several illegitimate children as well. 

I am about ready to go back to art school for a masters. I don't know when and where and I don't know how. I'm hoping its in Paris or Italy! But most likely somewhere I can afford. I'm terrified that I will not measure up. I distinctly remember in art school watching amazing painters paint with what seemed like ease - these were my friends! It's not only the painting technique that is essential (I had none) but the subject matter as well. And drive!! And discipline! I had the desire, that's about it. It was not until I discovered Lithography that I felt I could be more abstract and let the chemicals do some of my work for me. The reduction process helped me make interesting editions. I struggled with the chemistry:/( and I never got the plates to do what I wanted.  It was an adventure. I wish I could share some of those lithos here but they are rolled up. My work when I lived in Mexico was some of the best- go figure. I still take Litho classes at ACC on occasion. 

I found a 5' woodcut that I did - I copied a Modigliani painting, carved the wood, and printed it up at University of Texas .

She's pretty cute this is just a close up. She's rolled up in my office. She might make her debut over the couch. With or without a frame! She's about 8 yrs old now...I have about 3 of them. I printed about 8 at the time.

See! The cockamamie eyes! I am not alone. 

Goodbye Year of the Wooden HORSE ++++ F U!

Chinese New Year is on Thursday, February 19, 2015. It marks the start of the Year of the Wood Sheep in the Chinese zodiac.


This year has been moving so fast. In a way I want it to slow down. But, not really, I like moving fast! I just want to feel better about the rapid changes. 

I've made a lOT of changes. I think they are good for me, but it is hard. It has caused me to grow up a bit, seek humility and community, go inward and try and heal old wounds. That sounds kind of generic. But it's not. I do have some old wounds! Duh, we all do. Some of us are worse off than others. I have stopped judging "how good or bad" I had it growing up. It's time to stop allowing my past to infect my future, even the future that I myself created, when I came up with my own ideas about life. Those old ideas don't serve me anymore. I'm doing this purge by writing. 

It's a "principle's inventory". I am writing the old ideas out that don't serve me. I reflect on how it affects me: self esteem? (always) monetary problems, emotions, personal relationships? And then I reflect on my part, or my contribution to the issue. Was I stuck in selfishness? Was I dishonest, self-seeking, blaming, frightened (always). I read it to someone. That person's name is Mark R. 

My acupuncturist Simel Bey 2 years ago said :: Hold on to your hat. It's the year of the Water Horse. Things will move quickly. I had no idea. 

So I was curious about 2015...

I found this site which was extensive, but had a birth calculator to help you with the elements so you can determine this years' outcome:)  http://www.mastertsai.com/ChineseAstrology/Chineseastrology.htm

That is the calculator, but this is the original site: http://www.chinesefortunecalendar.com/2015ChineseHoroscope.htm

Beware: there is a "luck bar" ! LOL True to form, my worse years were 1-20 yrs. old. THOSE YEARS SUCKED! Especially 1-10.

It's all kind of confusing. My head is going to explode.

The making of Erodica! The record is nearly done, its aftermath continues...!

First of it's going to drive me crazy! Because people will pronounce this title as E-R-O-T-I-C-A, because the T sounds like a D. But it is really pronounced: ERODE-ICA, blending the words "Eroding" with "Erotic"... which had been my life for awhile when I went to NYC for a month this past February to write this record with Raindogg.

Raindogg and I met in Austin. He found my DD Dagger profile on Reverbnation where he was looking for a singer to perform in a musical about his Grandma from Brooklyn, who was black, and a hustler. I was thrilled. I listened to the music that he had made in the past with the lovely Ms. Kassy Key. It was different than my music but there was a common thread and a vintage sound that I liked.

I was so excited about the musical. We met for a meeting about it and I met the other actors and a musician friend of his.

Then we got a show. We played the show. It was fantastic, all Raindogg songs and a couple of DD Dagger ones. I had a blast, his band was really good and they didn't eff around. I was terrified, as usual. I learned the lyrics it took me forever. I hate memorizing lyrics.

I needed an editor. I had just shot a video with my dancers, he edited the video.  Just like that. It was amazing, he was great.

We did a couple of other collaborations and then I got an email. Moving to New York in December. OUT OF THE BLUE>

What about my MUSICAL?? I've been waiting all my life!

...I am going to write part 2 tomorrow. For now, I'm going to lament that I'll never get to sing in this musical, on the bright side::

This great record was written with Raindogg and though it is laced and layered with heartbreak, I am very proud of it.

we're releasing the songs one at a time, as singles. Here is the first single: listen: https://soundcloud.com/raindogg/erodica-by-dd-dagger-feat-raindogg

xox dd

just because just because just because

"Just Because"

Well, well, well,
Just because you think you're so pretty,
And just because your momma thinks you're hot,
Well, just because you think you've got something
That no other girl has got,

You've caused me to spend all my money.
You laughed and called me old Santa Claus.
Well, I'm telling you,
Baby, I'm through with you.
Because, well well, just because.

http://youtu.be/pza0XsTaCTg

Elvis: Just Because. I have always loved this song. My first band Deep Sombreros used to cover it. Peter took the country out of it and made it more jump blues. Ian and I took solos. Always fun. 

Just because, just because just because popped into my head while painting. Why? I don't know that shit just happens sometimes. I listened to the lyrics. Do they have something to say to me? 

Just because I went to a knitting circle at 10 am this morning and chatted with all older women who have been around the block and are wise,  and who seem to be very nurturing and sweet: and above all, can show me how to knit like they can knit: reading patterns, isle knitting, expanding my patience to more complex patterns. So rad. It's time. 

Just because I have been looking at myself through a healing lens so that I might be better 

Just because I'm an artist.  Just because I'm an entertainer who doesn't make a lot of money, but who has great ideas and can execute....

Just because my career has simultaneously never been more active and my daydreams never been more still....

Just because: A thing is just a thing not what someone thinks of that thing. BIRDMAN!

Just because this blog got almost 600 hits last month! LOL

Just because the Grant Brothers and I are reuniting for the first time since '2000 to form a new band and that 2nd rehearsal is tomorrow...

Just because this is my 6th self portrait and my internal critique has lessened...

Just because Just because just because 

Self portrait number 5 // the owl hoots. Is it talking to me?

These portraits remain difficult. This is portrait 5. I am so glad I can put paint down on a page but I'm no illustrator, never have been. I actually do better with photos but I'm not allowing these selfies to be photos - the goal is to look at myself; and I can't say my thoughts during this exercise have been a very fun place to hang. Sorry to self! I feel bad about it but what can I do?

Besides looking deep and feeling hard, these days I've been appreciating those that love me and my amazing friends that support me. I do love myself! I work hard at it. Did anyone ever say it would be easy? Thank you for everything.

If you ever saw me on stage and thought I was gliding through life, that the choices I've made were easy, that I get to live out my dreams - wait !! I do get to live out my dreams. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. 

I'm posting these ugly unfinished portraits for you to see. That's all. It's uncomfortable. But when I'm done? I'm done. When I get over something I really get over it. My heart is forgiving, and I don't stay mad....though it might take awhile. If somehow posting these is helping me process- well I'm just not sure yet. I almost gave up tonight.

There is this owl hooting outside my window as I'm writing. I don't hear them often but it's been here a couple of nights in a row. It's loud! And it's been raining constantly for 2 days.

I hope he is living in the big oak tree at the back of my yard. Maybe he is a reminder of the fleeting nature of things. Or a Note to my wiser self. Maybe he is looking for a mate! I only hear one.