A real true recovery story:::when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically

Ugh!!!!!!! I'm dragging my feet through another fourth step you know who you are. 

2 big raging resentments have eradicated my sleeping, eating, joy and that lovely serenity that I have missed. I'm rarely too serene anyway, but I'm down to 119 pounds and I've rarely been this thin. 

Manytimes relationships about face and people don't act right. One thing that has helped me is saying to myself: People, including me, are allowed to end friendships and relationships at any time. Usually people are shit heads about it; and that is what I'm angry about. Not the loss itself even. I'm hurt. 

I wanted, instead of focusing on the loss, recount in brief a successful recovery story. 

Http://meetmyfriendbonnie.com. It should be a website but it's just a relationship. One of 10 years plus. More like 15. Bonnie and her twin were in my first meeting ever; I was 27. 

Duuuuuuude! Me and Bonnie had been at odds for nearly 10 years. Many in the community have experienced how her personality is trying, rough, aggressive, bipolar, etc. she is troubled. 

She was openly aggressive and mean to me; like the time I said hi and she yelled something rude in the parking lot back at me at Cafe Mundi. At that time I laughed and said, "that's Bonnie".

Butt I was also intrigued by her::: she's gorgeous, musically talented, and wears great clothes. 

All the beauty outside didn't mask her troubles. Hot and cold people drive me crazy I hate being around them. And that's her. Nice one minute and mean the next. I would see her multiple times a week. 

At a really low point in my life, after my grandpa died, I was unexpectedly depressed. (That grandpa wasn't that great in many ways but I digress) The house went to shit for months on end. I remember that; and one day I had enough of Bonnie. I picked up the sword and started an emotional war with her. 

I decided, in my fucked up way to hate her with all my might. I was going to kick her ass too! At the peak of this war, at a meeting, she shoved past me on a stairwell when I refused to move and I threatened to throw her down the stairs. Not my shining moment! 

After multiple 4th steps on her my sponsor said look you need some outside help. You've already done the AA work around this; this is family of origin issue. Deeper; way deeper than her. She triggered my abusive upbringing and all the anger at her-me-them was a lightening rod that was about to send me to the hospital. 

I got a therapist that did EMDR (thank you SIMS) again, and again you saved my life and countless other musicians....we're sensitive beings!

Kathy helped my process my trauma with sounds that bounce from ear to ear; I'm not sure the science but when you think about what troubles you; it helps move it from your left brain to right brain. Trauma gets stuck in the brain of some; and stays there haunting through triggers that happen in normal life. Kinda like when veterans of war hear gun shots and jump; out of fear. 

I processed the fear around her (my brain was reacting like there was a physical threat every time I saw her; a fight or flight reaction) and it was absurd; but very real to me. I thought I was going insane.

After a very few rounds of EMDR (the first time I did it my subconscious brain flipped like a rolladex firing off old experiences and making connections so fast my conscious brain couldn't keep up with it)....

I was sane again and I decided my plan of dealing with her. 

I simply ignored her so completely that she didn't exist; I wouldn't be in ear shot or eye distance and if I was I'd move. A few times severe fear flared up again but mostly it was gone. I continued this for years! About 4. 

After my divorce, about 1.5 years ago I told (my) heart-wrenching story full of tears to a full room of recovery people. I don't hold back or mince details; I told only the truth and I didn't gloss over my personal struggles. I hate when people share about how great it all is - being sober - bull shit. It's hard. 

Let me clarify: it's not hard to abstain from drinking. I mean life is hard because people die, you disappoint the ones you love, and don't get the things you think are going to make you happy and when you do get them you're still not happy. 

There's no way around grief and disappointment but through it; and if i don't pass through it;  it will eat me up via misery and self loathing. Lol that's just me. 

Anyway I told this here story and felt the joy of expressing myself. B was in the front row and I had to angle myself not to look at the pretty not so pretty mug.

Afterwards she came up to me in tears. I'm sorry I do this she said. (Paraphrasing) I act mean and I don't want to be that person anymore. We are both going to be in this meeting. What have I done to you for you to treat me this way?

I said, (paraphrasing) you did just what you said: for no good reason, you have been mean to me  from day one targeting me with your anger and hostility. I have hated you a long time. I think you're an interesting person and we probably have more alike than different.

I appreciate your bold apology and I forgive you. Let's hug. 

YEARS of tension melted instantly. For another year I stayed clear maybe giving a slight smile or a wave but never getting to close....

Until last weekend. She came over to talk to me and sat by me at a meeting. 

Huzzah! If only everyone could be so honest, so brave, so real. So willing to heal.

Going to War with Energy: an Empath walks into a room

I'm always amazed that the amount of people who don't know what an empath is: 

em·path

ˈempaTH/

noun

1. (chiefly in science fiction) a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual.

Being an empath doesn't mean you have good intuition (though one might) or that you can read minds. It means you can read energy! The state of things, the state of a person:: you FEEL it. Even if you don't want to. 

We're not psychics, mediums or healers, though one might also have those qualities. 

It means when I walk into a room: especially a healing space, or somewhere where I feel vulnerable, I can feel the energy and, unfortunately since I'm me, I go to the negative person in the room and absorb it. I've done this incessantly at my live shows and I have had to close my eyes or look away or down. 

It hasn't happened in a long time since my band is so badass now: There's no denying it! I feel very confidant with a solid army behind me. 

Imagine how it sucks when you have a psycho (in my favorite healing space) that hates you! Seeths bad energy! Not only is it energetic, She has pushed me too: out of the way. Been nasty in front of people: It is not in my mind. 

This has been my experience about the last 5 years in my favorite recovery meeting.

I have/had done everything! Stepwork, Energy Cleansing, EMDR, meditation: and though these things have helped me, THAT BITCH STILL IS BAD NEWS! She is still giving off the same bad energy, and I'm absorbing it. I even wrote a song about it, Cat Fight. (coming out in a couple of weeks) I will post it later after its mastered. I wrote it this time last year. 

One who is not an empath might say, "just ignore her!" And trust me I have. The problem with my untrained empathy is I don't know how to remove my antenna: It's stuck on "on". I won't go into the neurosis about why It's stuck. 

It seems particularly bad when I'm upset, vulnerable, someone died, or I am in trouble. 

I am so sick of it! The other day my antenna got stuck on and I couldn't get focused on my recovery meeting. I signed my divorce papers this week, and things have been very unstable. 

This is a weird thing too:: she's gorgeous! She dresses just in the style I like! So it's a mind-fu$# because she's so visually interesting to look at. But what a sociopath inside! It confounds my brain. 

Anyway, I talked to a former roommate of hers about her, cause I knew they had had a falling out. She also goes to my meeting. She also has been upset at the way this girl gives out terrible energy to her, and acts like an emotional vampire, sucking the goodness out:: one breath at a time. 

She affirmed that this girl does this same thing to her, but just sometimes, she'll throw a curve ball and be NICE! What a psycho-biatch. Who needs it. Oh guess what? My friend has NO IDEA WHY, what she did or what happened to her to change her status from "roommate" to "Hated-bitch" They never even had an argument. (She is gorgeous too, btw)

We agreed to have a signal for each other- (she is ALSO an empath) a Peace sign. We're going to shoot each other a peace sign if we are having a hard time focusing, if the energy in the room is bad, or simply if we've had a run-in with the dreaded gorgeous psychopath. 

It's like going to WAR every time I walk into that church basement. I have to put my psychic armor on. Block myself from the ammo, and retreat.

Music: restoring me to sanity AGAIN. Improv, Todd V Wolfson, MonkeyNest Jamz

I have given up a lot for music. But last night it clearly gave something back to me. I have been UPINDAHEAD way too much lately, and it's been hard to meditate my way out of it. It's been hard to "AA - my way out of it" Yes -- I'm outing myself, finally!

It's been hard to "yoga" my way out of this tough time too: (separation/impending divorce/midlife crisis, just the little things!)

I guess, maybe, because these things are not my purpose in life, they are just part of my life.

Art is my purpose, and I only know that because I never cared (like, in school) about anything but my art class. The art class I finally took as a senior!!! I just meandered for 4 years doing as little as possible prior.

There was that one literature class where we read Shakespeare aloud...that was RAD!

It's all I cared for and I had a nurturing art teacher that year (finally) that gave me some love, attention, and good vibes that I desperately needed to secure a path to the artistic realm. I needed it: I had started to get into a lot of trouble with drugs, boys in school, and I was going to the principles office a lot. That's about what I remember.

Let's just make it up as we go along! 

There is one thing that I see over and over in artists (artistry) that inspires me so much. They live in a space in the world where it's ok to just make it up. Make it up as we go along. It comes out in the music, it comes out in their gigs and art.

Last night, Houser said to me: Oh yeah, I'm playing with Edie Brickell in Dallas (as well as with David Garza) We play early at 8- then Me and Hubbard are going to get in the car and drive immediately to play a gig with Golden Dawn Arkestra at Art Outside: we'll get there right ontime:: at 1am!

I was like, really? Aren't you going to be tired? He said, "It's all in your perspective, really - Isn't it?" Agreed. And, I'm sad I can't be at the Edie show, as she was a huge influence on me in high school. Kristen and I listened to "What I am" and that whole record incessantly...

Thank God I will be playing at Art Outside too, with Minor Mishap, and I will be in the front row cheering on my peeps.

Brad inspires me so much: So does this motley cure of brass below me: Salmon and Hubbard. These guys..............





This jam is what I needed. I needed to be surrounded by like-minded people. I needed the beautiful, made up in the moment artistry. I needed to feel it in the air, and on my lips! I needed to catch notes out of the sky and feel like a part of it.

The way Todd's jams work is someone will throw a tune out there, and we all hop on the bus. You pluck notes out of the air, you find the scale, you find the spaces in which to insert something pretty. Or in my case laugh, or be silly.

At one point I was making up a song on Bruce's Resonator - Todd MADE me. I had prepared no originals, so I put 3 chords together. Behind me, at some point, as I was trying to make up lyrics that sounded stupid to me, but what what I was feeling, it was more serious than I had wanted it to sound...

This girl behind me was shaking trash from a trash can - it was so rigorous, almost in time but not, that I turned around and was like, WTF is that? It was trash!

I laughed out loud, and then the drummer John Bush and I had another laugh about it as we recapped the irony:0

At another point Me, Bruce, and Hubbard got up and acted as a section, plucking out tunes together. Later, Hubbard walked outside with his accordian for a bit to play to the stars.

I nearly followed....

Todd told me to freak out, so I freaked out on the horn making it crazy.

OH! It was much to do about nothing.

Precisely what was inspiring about it.

PHOTOS by Sheridan