A real true recovery story:::when the spiritual malady is overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically

Ugh!!!!!!! I'm dragging my feet through another fourth step you know who you are. 

2 big raging resentments have eradicated my sleeping, eating, joy and that lovely serenity that I have missed. I'm rarely too serene anyway, but I'm down to 119 pounds and I've rarely been this thin. 

Manytimes relationships about face and people don't act right. One thing that has helped me is saying to myself: People, including me, are allowed to end friendships and relationships at any time. Usually people are shit heads about it; and that is what I'm angry about. Not the loss itself even. I'm hurt. 

I wanted, instead of focusing on the loss, recount in brief a successful recovery story. 

Http://meetmyfriendbonnie.com. It should be a website but it's just a relationship. One of 10 years plus. More like 15. Bonnie and her twin were in my first meeting ever; I was 27. 

Duuuuuuude! Me and Bonnie had been at odds for nearly 10 years. Many in the community have experienced how her personality is trying, rough, aggressive, bipolar, etc. she is troubled. 

She was openly aggressive and mean to me; like the time I said hi and she yelled something rude in the parking lot back at me at Cafe Mundi. At that time I laughed and said, "that's Bonnie".

Butt I was also intrigued by her::: she's gorgeous, musically talented, and wears great clothes. 

All the beauty outside didn't mask her troubles. Hot and cold people drive me crazy I hate being around them. And that's her. Nice one minute and mean the next. I would see her multiple times a week. 

At a really low point in my life, after my grandpa died, I was unexpectedly depressed. (That grandpa wasn't that great in many ways but I digress) The house went to shit for months on end. I remember that; and one day I had enough of Bonnie. I picked up the sword and started an emotional war with her. 

I decided, in my fucked up way to hate her with all my might. I was going to kick her ass too! At the peak of this war, at a meeting, she shoved past me on a stairwell when I refused to move and I threatened to throw her down the stairs. Not my shining moment! 

After multiple 4th steps on her my sponsor said look you need some outside help. You've already done the AA work around this; this is family of origin issue. Deeper; way deeper than her. She triggered my abusive upbringing and all the anger at her-me-them was a lightening rod that was about to send me to the hospital. 

I got a therapist that did EMDR (thank you SIMS) again, and again you saved my life and countless other musicians....we're sensitive beings!

Kathy helped my process my trauma with sounds that bounce from ear to ear; I'm not sure the science but when you think about what troubles you; it helps move it from your left brain to right brain. Trauma gets stuck in the brain of some; and stays there haunting through triggers that happen in normal life. Kinda like when veterans of war hear gun shots and jump; out of fear. 

I processed the fear around her (my brain was reacting like there was a physical threat every time I saw her; a fight or flight reaction) and it was absurd; but very real to me. I thought I was going insane.

After a very few rounds of EMDR (the first time I did it my subconscious brain flipped like a rolladex firing off old experiences and making connections so fast my conscious brain couldn't keep up with it)....

I was sane again and I decided my plan of dealing with her. 

I simply ignored her so completely that she didn't exist; I wouldn't be in ear shot or eye distance and if I was I'd move. A few times severe fear flared up again but mostly it was gone. I continued this for years! About 4. 

After my divorce, about 1.5 years ago I told (my) heart-wrenching story full of tears to a full room of recovery people. I don't hold back or mince details; I told only the truth and I didn't gloss over my personal struggles. I hate when people share about how great it all is - being sober - bull shit. It's hard. 

Let me clarify: it's not hard to abstain from drinking. I mean life is hard because people die, you disappoint the ones you love, and don't get the things you think are going to make you happy and when you do get them you're still not happy. 

There's no way around grief and disappointment but through it; and if i don't pass through it;  it will eat me up via misery and self loathing. Lol that's just me. 

Anyway I told this here story and felt the joy of expressing myself. B was in the front row and I had to angle myself not to look at the pretty not so pretty mug.

Afterwards she came up to me in tears. I'm sorry I do this she said. (Paraphrasing) I act mean and I don't want to be that person anymore. We are both going to be in this meeting. What have I done to you for you to treat me this way?

I said, (paraphrasing) you did just what you said: for no good reason, you have been mean to me  from day one targeting me with your anger and hostility. I have hated you a long time. I think you're an interesting person and we probably have more alike than different.

I appreciate your bold apology and I forgive you. Let's hug. 

YEARS of tension melted instantly. For another year I stayed clear maybe giving a slight smile or a wave but never getting to close....

Until last weekend. She came over to talk to me and sat by me at a meeting. 

Huzzah! If only everyone could be so honest, so brave, so real. So willing to heal.

This pop culture sex! I find it all quite depressing! Early sexualitymeets midlife crisis

The book I'm reading, girl on a train::: it's quite depressing! Interesting yet sad:: alchoholics, love lost, longing. Train rides, alcoholic blackouts, infidelities....So  far I can't stomach it too well; but I read on.

Same goes for the Netflix Stranger Things:::a young boy lost/missing, a girl losing herself to a boy before she's ready. Innocence lost....it's all so Generation X! By that I mean misguided and troubled. It's Even set in the 80's. Poltergeist mixed with ET and Lynch's Fire Walk with me. I'm only watching it cause everyone said how great it is. We'll see.

It has, in a way brought me back to my earliest girlhood romantic and sexual experiences; and I only write this that I might not continue to make the same mistakes; though I might.

I have mommy AND daddy issues I laugh to my recovery friends. 

My very first boyfriend, Harper*, in Houston. We had a lovely time of it! I'd ride my bike to his house after school and we'd spend hours smooching. I don't know if I thought about love for 2 seconds; it was not very intimate but it was playful. 

About after two weeks he asked me to the movies; where all of our schoolmates would be. I got a weird vibe. He was ignoring me; I was what? 13? 14? I knew something was up and he soon dumped me for my teammate: a very tall blonde volleyball player. I don't remember what else happened but me and that volleyball player spent the next 6 years together playing on the same team; all the way to Varsity. (Sports kept me out of so much trouble) I don't remember her apologizing but she might have. Im sure it was awful; but I don't recall much emotional pain associated. 

My next experience I remember was falling for a guy named Jason. We're still friends!!!! He had a hurt knee and was in the girls volleyball courts working on physical therapy everyday. He was a Christian. The ball would roll in there every now and again; and we'd have a fun discourse. He was a senior though, and me a freshman. We did this all year, hanging out as friends, writing notes, just being silly. When the end of the year came, he asked my sister to his Senior prom! She was a junior. They barely knew each other. I cried. I remember her saying i had no idea Ally. We never did go for the same guys. 

A year later when he would come home on college break we did end up messing around- in my room! Mom was calling me on the phone (I guess I had my own line) lol put the door open, NOW. 

The next guy, I was maybe a junior? Don was a soul crusher. Older than me by a year He was the only artist I knew. We talked on the phone for weeks, hours at a time. I went on a jog and ended up at his house one day. We fooled around more than I had with anyone. It went pretty far but was quite one sided. (His parents didn't seem to mind the door was closed) I remember I used to pass him everyday between a class, and we would always say hi-- but we would never stop and talk. (Red flag!) Even as our phone conversation grew. The day after the heavy sexual exchange, I was excited to pass him, to see him. He ignored me; played the "I don't see you game" I was crushed. We never spoke again. 

Then there was Clint! He was a character; from the other side of the tracks. He revealed to me he had tried crack. It was startling; and I wasn't impressed. By this time I had done some drug experimentation on my own.

Clint and I Did a lot of phone talking and some house parties. But I grew tired of him i'mnot sure why. I don't remember much behind that. We had one more chat after I moved to Austin.

Ugh! There was Tim. I was impressed cause he was a drug dealer. (Burgeoning Underworld girl) I was exposed to joints, X, that's about it. I was all about him for a hot minute but I dumped him unceremoniously. He was hurt. 

Then the whopper! Eric**. I didn't even date him; but we were friends from art class and he was cute, a surfer. We're still Facebook friends and I guess there's a small chance he could read this. I hope he does, lol. He had a long-term girlfriend. I thought they broke up. My mom left me (I was a senior by then) for a trip to Hawaii. It was during the school year and I made an excuse not to go; I had to apply to college... I should have gone on that trip. 

I painfully lost my virginity to someone I didn't love or even really know too well. It was my choice; and I still regret it. 

All is to say? I'm confused. Still making unhealthy choices around my sexuality. Still learning what my boundaries are. 

I said, today, to my therapist, men are disgusting;  in response to a sexual pass one of my good guy friends made at me the other night; unprovoked. 

She said, well, no, some are. But many have learned that they can push over boundries that women have set for them. 

She said its your job to keep the boundries you have set for yourself. 

I think if I could have more clarity and insight to myself, and around my boundries (never my strong suit) I wouldn't have made or continue to make such crushing romantic mistakes. 

I really do. 

**footnotes

Both Harper and Eric are fat and ugly now; they look like Texas sized frat boys

If life is so hard, why do I stay sober?

Yes it is! It's HARD! Not without its joys, but man this year is a bitch. Recently lost 2 best friends::: really three if you count my cheating manboy, I do miss his companionship but.......Imma...

Keep on trucking! One of the girls honesty; good riddance but man what a selfish one! Thanks for all you've taken. 

The other, a simple parting for awhile. Or forever, either is fine. I've made two other new friends, both funny, smart, gorgeous, crazy, loyal AND darling::: sober too- to fill up my dance card again. BONUS: Another One! That makes three - a dike new best friend - I get to see how the other half lives. 

I was reading an amazing article by a newly sober woman and I got to thinking: Why? Why do I stay sober when everybody else is cutting loose and tying one on? Escaping from their day with a margarita? How do I carry on!?'

I rapid fire thought of some reasons why I keep on keeping on; trudging the sober road to happy destiny....vain or otherwise 

-I don't wallow in pain; or drink it down; I process it and TRY and move on. How many regrets and resentments I had when using! How looooooong they stuck around to slowly eat me alive; shit piles up when you check out.

-I can forgive AND say I'm sorry....it was rare for those two things to happen in my previous life

-I have goals and I achieve them; sometimes quickly sometimes slowly...but regardless of those goals I know what joy feels like - and though it is illusive at times, I know it will return.

-my spirit tells me what I like- cause before I wasn't clear so I just quiet down and listen and I call my angels to guide me and on a good day my head doesnt race and it stops forcing its hurt ego on me

-I don't believe in the bible my dear readers, to me the book is just allegorical stories, HIS-stories passed down and Jesus is ok, I like him but he's not going to save anything or come down from the sky. Just listen and get some support.  It could be Jesus or the Buda does it matter? 

-I will never have the right to feel truly that I'm Alone, or lonely, or beyond help because in recovery support; life bearing support is only an honest conversation away. It has saved me so many times.

-I know how to ask for help or more importantly when I need to ask for it

-I realize I LOve Humans! I'm a people person. I rarely want to chit chat for hours in a bar (I didn't even enjoy that when I was drinking) I like to dive into an affirming conversation that leaves me thinking more about less; with people that I have a connection with; and I like to see Facebook and know what you're up to so I can celebrate your achievements or pray for your dog; and listen to you new songs on my own time.  

-I DO things, I don't sit around or do the groupie thing I got too much raw talent for that but I do love a talented troubadour; always have.

-I've got more money. A lot more! I'm doing quite well thanks I'm good. I can take care of myself and for a long time, in sobriety and before, I was crippled with fear about it cause you know, I'm an artist and we don't get paid that good.

Maybe it's the law of attraction! I believe thoughts can help guide you out of a depression or bad state or money problems but I think it's bullshit to say you brought trouble upon yourself cause you weren't thinking about the situation positively. 

Bad shit happens to good people folks.

And like mommy said, though I hate it, life isn't fair. IM the drunk IM the one who took it to far, I'm the one that turned myself into a pickle; and as they say, once a pickle always a pickle.

I picked the guy, I ignored the lies, I didn't want to let the sex go and the good parts that I'm not entirely sure outweighed the bad; but imma pick the pieces up again; a bit everyday and move my ass on down the line just watch me! 

Its not going to be made easier with pot (I done smoked enough for all of us) Telling lies doesn't go down easier with a drink either. 

I'm gonna take my damage and I say move on down the line towards some more self-respecting place hopefully clearing some of the wreckage that is life; lightening my load in the process! 

I cry to strangers that enter the garden

Hello New York! I really haven't missed you and I find myself wishing for a vast natural landscape; but then how would I feel differently anyway? I've earned this opportunity; a mantra my dear and oldest friend gave me.

I pray that the city doesn't feed me it's dark energy as it has in the past, and I look desperately for the goodness in the smelly summer August in the big apple.

I find some. I find a lot! I find it in the people. The amazing New Yorkers - man they don't disappoint.  In a fragile state, after my garden meeting with the curator I immediately go to a gay & Lesbian AA meeting at the Betty Ford Clinic; Hazelton; which is located near the garden I'm installing my glass work in. I mean isn't this THE HAZELTON!? How many addicts have passed through these doors on the verge of death; to recover and enjoy life again. 

It is a very small meeting but I cried about my womanhood, my lying cheating boyfriend that I've recently dumped ::: (I was the last to know Paul said) and I talk about why I stayed - though much felt wrong, so much felt right too. I mean I'm guessing a good 6 months of cheats; and betrayal feels raw, mean and selfish. 

I look back now and see some signs;  but you know I'm a busy girl. I stay up late writing proposals, art grants and play many shows. I am ambitious and I have goals. My recent partner is a playboy; which is what I loved about him. I usually date really serious arty types; intellectuals; and geniuses. But Jeffrey was Good times; and he enjoyed nature more than the others; it got me out of my head. A balance is nice, though.

The city feeds me a few Angels::the tiny tiny girl lesbian in the AA meeting that is mixed race- a dike; she hugs me like her sister and I lean down so akwardly low to squeeze her as she explains how this too has happened to her and she got through it. And how the shame I feel is not my own and I need to let it go.

Today's dog trainer! Passing by the garden, I see him with several dogs /// I LOVE DOGS And already desperately miss mine. I ask him about his job and his background-- he is also mixed race maybe Mexican and Asian, and young, and he has met Cesar Milan. He is a natural at training but wants to be a vet.

He gives me some tips and I realize my dog Goose  has anxiety and I didn't realize it. He follows me incessantly around the house. This is anxiety the trainer says. I will work on it. That was today,,,,

But then there was last night. I haven't been sleeping or eating; stomach in knots but I already wasn't sleeping good for 2 weeks since the ex was away with his other girlfriend but I thought he was with so and so; and I hope my mom isn't reading this.

I dreamed my ex husband who I still adore but whom is not talking to me; I dreamed he had a new hot young girlfriend - he is 10yrs my senior) and that they had a kid together; and that he adopted her other 3 children. I watched them eat at a park table somewhere in my universe and I cried because I desperately want him to have what he wants.

So at the garden; today I'm wondering if this is going to ruin my hard earned experience here; 2 years in the making; and the only reason my heartbreak isn't killing it is I give myself license to cry to strangers in the garden. 

2 girls come through location scouting for a video; we get to talking they are both at NYU and born and raised New Yorkers...they talk about burning man and one tells me I would love her parents. Dad's a musician and moms an artist. Though her parents are much older than me (57) apparently they are more to my liking than the young girls to hang out with and I probably agree. 

I tell them about my lying cheating boyfriend and they tell me that's what the video is about; I didn't full on cry but it was in my eyes.

I didn't cry and yell until a shitty "human sexuality" major came through and asked me some gross questions about spooging; if I was single and what I thought over and over was disgusting or not. I starting crying and said leave me alone and the shitbag tried to give me a hug; and said he was sorry but still wouldn't stop asking questions about my human sexuality until I started yelling get the fuck out of here. I have the keys to the park; but still don't lock myself in. 

As we speak I'm at the whole foods in NoHo; the one near where another xboyfriend lives:  and he dumped me too (I hang on maybe too long; it's an attachment disorder from childhood); he also lied to me about another woman in his life; way back 2 yrs ago when I was considering moving here. Two trips ago I was in his hood obsessing of where he is and would I run into him? It was sickening how hurt and  mixed up I was at the time but I could care less if he walks through the door now; I'll see him Sunday were playing Sax together at my opening. 

I got over it. 

Reading Viv Albertines Book at the WFoods::: Clothes Clothes Clothes Music Music Music Boys Boys Boys.

Not everyone gets a horse

I'm reading that book Wild. I'm on a plane, headed to my next street band festival, Honk! In Boston, Providence and New York.

It's the 10th anniversary, and it's the biggest street band festival there is - I think. 

If you've read this blog you know street music has changed my life. I used to think street musicians were kinda like homeless people- sorta begging in a way. Excuse me! I'm from the burbs of Houston. 

Or, I would appreciate the street jazz musicians in New Orleans- but still kinda think that's not for me. Not until I joined The Marching Band.

I'm not particularly nomadic, so I don't fit the street musician lifestyle. But I do love my big Minor Mishap Marching Band- traveling 2-4 times a year, playing in the streets, making people happy- surprising them- and enjoying an alternative-lifestyles group of people. Smart people! 

I'm reflective- I'm going back this year and a lot has changed. Last year I was newly single after 14 years but had a boyfriend that I knew from this very Honk! Festival; the year before. I met him 2 years ago and my life changed dramatically in the coming year. 

He wasn't the reason but the impetus to leave my husband. I left because I didn't know, and couldn't see, a joint future anymore. 

But you know what? The man I chose to pursue was much like my husband! He is introverted and a bit sullen. He is a workaholic and a terrific musician. He plays sax and is a great talent. He is quiet and judgmental. He is amazing.

In short, he is a lovely person and I mean that. They both are. They ALL are I don't waste time with chumps. 

That lover has moved on, much to my dismay last year he dumped me on my last day of Honk! I was devastated and surprised. He's now married, he told me. I thought he was my guy but I was wrong. That's what I now know.

Godspeed! 

So not everyone gets a horse. But this  girl gets a sax!! A Bari sax to learn and play! And these songs aren't easy....I tell ya. 

Why are chicks SUCH Biatches!? To each other a lot of the time.

Part of me thinks people are just harsh on one another, in general - even as they turn and smile at you and give compliments...

...But I've noticed I'm really hard on female singers. I critique them harshly; probably more harshly than the men I see performing, singing. But when I love them I LOVE THEM SO MUCH, and for forever.

PJ Harvey, Cat Power, Holly Golightly, Eartha Kitt, Locals like Datri Bean, Lauryn Gould, Karla Manzur, Laura Scarborough, Liv Muellar...lord I can't think of any more that I like right now... The Catastica girls!!! ((You're welcome to add in the comment bar your favorites -- we all different I get it.))

But, in order to show I'm not a total bitch here is a link of 4 more I haven't heard of that you might like. See? I'm ok. you're ok.

I see a lot of live music! And, in a way, I can almost always find something to like about it: about the musicianship, the songwriting, their haircuts, their outfits : you know the important stuff.

But back to my perceived problem. Why don't I like the chick singers I see or hear on the radio that much? First off, there are a lot less of them to choose from. But, Here's what goes through my mind:

Their timber is harsh or grating, particularly in the high registers. Their songs are lame, they're pitchy (dude I KNOW I AM but I play the sax and I think that helps) They're boring to watch, or I happen to know them personally and they're not friendly or they're competitive so I can't get behind them. They're too vanilla, or they sound like someone else.

I was listening to a new female artist who looked very interesting to me: Andra Day. I saw her on the airplane back from Brazil. She is a hottie, black woman, with a very vintage 50's look. I LOVE RETRO! And Spike Lee directed her video. I watched it. I listened to her interview. I liked her a lot. Most of her songs seemed to be about relationships. The video was kinda boring. And, she sounded just like Amy Winehouse.

Look GIRLS if, when you open your mouth to sing and you sound like Amy Winehouse CHANGE YOUR SOUND. She'd regrettably dead, and she'll be the queen of that affected, distressed, I want to fuck you sound forever....

HO HUM. I can't stop.

I'm an intellectual! Is that so wrong? Art, underground music, and the age of Podcasting

Hi guys! It has been eons since I've made a post. I've wanted to, but I'm in a very scattered phase apparently and though I haven't been terribly busy, a chaos seems present that swirls around in my brain.

At the same time, I've been devoted to enjoying this long hot Texas summer. My new BF has a parks pass and we've been swimming a lot and cooking a lot! 

...I haven't seen my girlfriends in soooo long! Sorry ladies I'll come running when this pink cloud bursts. You too my brothas. 

I digress. What am I talking about? I'm thinking about this professor in college. It was when I was a freshman, and I think it was English Lit. 

He said the very first day, "Who here is an intellectual?" 

Only like 2 people raised their hands; Out of a HUGE UT class- not including me. He went on to discuss the art of learning, reading, expanding. 

He said lets talk about why that noun-jative (lol noun AND adjative- I made that up, see I so smart) is such a "dirty word" in our culture. 

I'm summarizing, but I'll never forget this. I don't remember what was discussed that day, or who this professor was, but in my mind it goes like this:

Our overarching American culture of censorship, suppression, conservatism and idealism enjoys weighing down ideas or ways of life that aren't conservative or more importantly free thinking. 

I'm not saying anything new! I know that. And this sounds like a diatribe. 

But my personal point is not to rant. 

It is that I love Podcasts. 

I LOVE them! On a flight to Atlanta (a stop on my way to HONK! Rio!!!! I'm going to blow some sax with Environmenta Encroachment, Brass Band Chicago) 

I have listened to 3 - all Fresh Air podcasts. With Terry Gross. 

The first was about The Ladies of Broad City - thank you gals you have made something that is laugh out loud funny and I LOVE the show) 

The next a writer Robert Stone who is now deceased; who wrote novels and memoirs about his life in the 60's with Ken Kesey and the Mary Pranksters, "Dog Soldiers" . I now want to read it! 

The third was/is I'm still listening to it/ a previous militant Islamist extremist who,  inspired by Orwells Animal Farm, moderated his thinking and beliefs and reformed himself. He puts us into the mind of how and why this thinking takes root. He tells us his amazing story! 

All is to say I'm obsessed with podcasts and before that, all there was was this crappy talk radio- but I listened to it, A lot! On my little radio. 

And now -- drumroll--- it's MY turn! I'm starting a podcast with 2 of my buddies. 

It's called On Common Ground and we are interviewing local ATX musicians about how a song of someone else's has influenced one of their songs. 

This is soooo me! Sooooo fun and exciting for me. I've always wanted to do something like this. And thankfully I have go-getter partners that know many of the new ATX artists ( they are a good 10 yes younger than me) and they are integrated into the new musical scene here. 

I am the older brigade. We are all musicians, and we all are enthusiasts. 

I hope the podcast feeds the brains of the intellectuals out there that live music, culture and the arts.

We release in the Fall!